What's in a Name?

Your eyes do not betray you!  As I got on this morning in the hopes that God would provide the words I need or more important, that you may need, I decided it was time for a make-over.  As I looked for a new font for the "Lantern No. 7" title, a new script caught my eye, "Covered by Your Grace".  Even if it was a wonky font, it was clearly going to be the winner.

I chose the title Lantern No. 7 for a couple of reasons.  The first one being my all-time favorite bible passage, Matthew 5:14-16 You are the light of the world.  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven.

When I think of light, my visual mind automatically gravitates toward a lantern and it's ability to shine, whether placed on a hook, sat in the corner of the back deck, centered on the dining table, through cold, heat, and perfection, weathering sun, fog, rain, wind, snow...yet it shines.

We are chosen to be the light of Christ.  To stand tall, as if always on that hill, not hiding from the sorrows of the world, but instead using every ounce of energy to shine on it.  To shed light on the glory and grace that He freely offers and when fully surrendered, no basket can contain.

Second, seven is God's number of perfection.

In Genesis:  The world is created in 7 days.  Cain avenged 7 times.  Noah waited 7 days after the rain to send the dove.  Abraham set aside 7 sheep.  Seven years of famine for Egypt.

Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, 1 Samuel, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Daniel all work work in sevens.

In Matthew: Seven loaves and fish, 7 baskets, forgive 70x7, 7 brothers, 7 sacks leftover.  Mark and Acts...sevens.

In Revelation:  Seven churches, 7 stars, 7 torches fronted the throne, 7 seals, the lamb has 7 horns, 7 eyes, 7 spirits of God, 7 angels with 7 trumpets, 7-headed dragon, 7 disasters, 7 bowls, 7 kings.

Just as prominent as seven, is the theme of light.  Thus...Lantern No. 7 - Shining God's perfect light.

This year has left my lantern a little tarnished and the feeling that I am probably more of a three or four than a seven.  I have a couple of cracked panes of glass and my light has been covered in fallen leaves and knocked over by some unexpected storms.  Though I have felt like a dull glow for a couple of months now, I know that I have to do all I can to seek to stay lit, to climb the hill, and to remember that I am not promised a life of comfort, nestled safely in a warm basket.

As the promise of a fresh twelve-month calendar looms, I am vowing to start fresh.  Here are seven things that I am putting on my list:

1. New look for blog - check.
2. New way to study the bible - no longer relying on "devotions" of others to start my day, but sincerely seeking through studying only the Word in my new ESV Reader.
3. Consistent Prayer Journaling. Praise. Repent. Ask for others. Ask for Yourself.
4. Saving money to purchase a passport for future mission trips that I have always felt called to do.
5. Read 52 books this year.  (I did this a few years ago and it was amazing!  Some weeks I would read one book, other weeks I would hit a series and read three or four, but at the end of the year, it averaged 52).  David Cook offers a free Christian e-book each week, so my Kindle is LOADED!
6. Banish guilt.
7. Take off my six Christmas pounds because I am totally human and my pants are giving me a little tighter hug.  Although I did receive a couple of cute tunics to camouflage the battle.

I ask your forgiveness in my inconsistent posting these past few months...it has truly been a difficult year and I have spent a lot of quiet time trying to figure out what that means for me, though I am not entitled to any answers in the now.  I am aware that I am not alone in my grief and transitioning and please know that I continue to pray for each of you as you seek a "new normal".

I pray that God reveals big things to you in 2017, that you climb and lay claim to your hill, and that "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine," becomes your walk-up music.

Cross the Road Little Squirrel

Well, it is that time of year when life centers around all things thankful, turkey, pumpkin, and lawns full of fallen leaves.  I stand in affirmation that these are all wonderful things that bring families together and fill us with warm fuzzies, but since it has been exactly one month since my last post, I am going to take it in a different direction.

Squirrels.

What God has been working on my stubborn heart, for who knows how long now, is pick a side of the road, do what you need to do to move on - stop hovering in the middle of the road waiting for something large and dramatic to respond to.

The place where I work has been faced with a challenge of sorts.  Not one that anyone there has created or asked for.  Many days we all agree, that the hardest decision is just knowing where to start.  There is so much to address, accomplish, and gather, that is incredible difficult just to begin.  We find ourselves standing on the side of the road we started on, hoping for God to provide the answer, thinking that if we wait long enough, all the traffic of the journey in the middle will clear, and it will be easier to move to the other side.

Then in truly Godly fashion, a devotion lands in my lap that basically says, we are so busy focusing on the answer that we miss all the deep and abiding work He is doing in us along the way.

When we stand on our side of the road, we are being taught acceptance of our situation.  It is during that interlude that God is working the plan, aligning relationships, changing our seasons, and paving the path.  The middle of the road is the hardest work.  If we choose to forge ahead too soon, there are lots of large, quick-moving obstacles that can threaten our success, halt our progress, injure us physically and emotionally.  If we move forward with God in prayer and trust, the road will be paved with people who are watching out for us, who slow down and allow us to make hard decisions, who cringe a little when we come within inches of disaster, and breathe a collective sigh of relief when we make it safely to the other side.

Sometimes that middle road is completely uphill.  Other times it is a deep valley that gets very low before it begins to ascend again.  Still yet, we may get to the other side before we realize that there are four more lanes to go.  It is then that we look back to where we started and realize how incredibly far God has navigated us, it is amazing what we have done and should realize without a doubt, that it was not in our own strength our power.

Luke 10:33-35:  A Samaritan traveling the road came on him. When he saw the man’s condition, his heart went out to him. He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds. Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable. In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill—I’ll pay you on my way back.’

One of my favorite lessons from WBS is the story of the Good Samaritan.  We all know it, but this time it affected me in a new way by asking, "what side of the road are you walking on?"  Are we standing where we started, looking only for the answer we want?  Are we avoiding the hard work because it doesn't fit in our schedule or someone might see us helping someone that isn't on the "right path".  Do we take the long way around hoping to avoid the hard work that is in the middle?  Have we passed by deep and abiding opportunities to help others because they aren't like us?  What about the people that God sends to help us?  What are they sacrificing in their obedience to get us across the road to safer travels? Reputation, finances, safety?

The little squirrel gathers and prepares, in anticipation of a long season, but when it comes down to it, hesitates when it is time to commit to moving forward.  I can prepare myself by reading the Bible, doing devotions, and offering up prayer, but when it comes down to it, am I willing to do the hard work to get to the other side?  Sometimes, the hardest decision, is knowing where to start...we humans want the answer before we commit to the work.  And if we could have the quiet country road rather than the eight-lane highway Lord, that would be nice too...

Take a deep breath, look both ways before crossing, count your blessings, and move forward because God, in His strength, has already brought us so very far.  The work will be hard, excruciating at times, but we can't appreciate His peace and rest, if we don't experience the sacrifice it takes to make it safely to the other side.
This song brings me to tears every time I hear it..."or do I go deep, and try to change...they're the choices that made me".

**I am thankful for this journey that I am on.  I have a story, and I am not sure how God will use that, how much more forgiveness or acceptance I have to work on to move forward...but I have a beautiful family, a roof over my head, food in my pantry, and squirrels in my yard.  I love this crazy life**

Letting Go in Order to find a new Hope

Letting go is hard.  Us humans in our fleshy emotional selves, are faced with all kinds of situations that require us to let go in some way:

The death of a loved one.
A relationship that is no longer healthy.
Carbohydrates.
Dreams.
Control.
Size 4.
Grudges.
A sixteen year-old driving down the road, alone, for the first time.
Social Media.

When I was laid off at the end of February, God kept whispering, "be still".  As I drove to see my grandpa that last day, the conversation centered around, "be still".  As I pulled out the gift from my grandma, "be still".  The week after my grandpa passed away, I chose to "be still", as I sat for forty-five minutes and permanently marked another long journey in my testimony of God's goodness and provision.

 Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.

Ephesians 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.

The Hebrew word for still, centers around letting go and surrendering.  We surrender in order to acknowledge that God is in control.

The Greek word for still, is to "hold peace", rest.  To rest, knowing that God will give us peace.

I have had to let go of a lot more than I could ever have imagined or wanted to these past seven months, some of them unexpected, and some of them long overdue.  Then one day, Justine Brooks Froelker - When Hope Grows Up: Finding Hope in His Plan found its way into my devotional rotation.  She writes (summarized):

...that too often we see hope as a badge or a reprieve when stories of hope are tied to the "happy ending".  We should not just share our highlight reel of victory, but also of struggle, conviction, and perseverance - remembering fosters faith.  Owning our stories, means owning ALL the parts.  Sometimes we have to redefine our hope and let go of a dream.  This doesn't mean that we have given up, that we quit, or that we have chosen without loss...

God will send you the Word you need, the devotion you need, the people you need, at the exact time you need them.  When we are part of something for many, many years, and then life happens, people transition, philosophies start to change and/or new personalities take over...that is often God giving us the opportunity to examine our heart, motives, service, and determination of who/where our hope lies.

I have been contemplating a change for over a year now.  I was stuck a few weeks ago wondering if I had failed to be obedient when God first laid it on my heart, or if He needed me to walk the discernment process...As I prayed over the current situation, I knew it was time to let go, even though that choice would come with some loss.  I texted a brief summary to a friend for affirmation, because two big arrows were pointing at my vulnerable humanity...and asked for some prayers.  She immediately sent back, "guilt is not from the Lord".  Cue the waterworks...

The next day, my new BFF Justine wrote:  Healthier hope comes from learning to practice active acceptance of what we cannot change, balanced with the trust that He holds the end of the story.

It takes trust for us to let go of all the things that worry us, that keep us up at night, that distract from the now.  It took a brief and profound five-day devotional for me to realize that letting go is not giving up, quitting, or selfish.  It is accepting, redefining, and embracing a new version of you.  One that God has provided rest, peace, surrender, and His happy ending for.

Puppy Perspective

Well, hello there!  It has been a few weeks since I have been able to sit "quietly" and jot a few words down.  I am sitting here on a beautiful crisp October morning, a super-fresh cup of dark-roast coffee tempting my nose and delighting my taste-buds and energy button, a 56 pound basset hound at my feet (super warm by the way), and a tiny, rescued, 8-week, 5 pound-ish beagle/basset puppy teaching a rawhide a lesson under my chair.

The last time we had a puppy, was ten years ago.  The kids were also small at that time, we had just moved 90 miles, started new jobs, new school...but by the grace of God did I make it through that season.  I feel like I am a little more tolerant, albeit tired, of puppiness this time around.  Poop, is just that, poop.  I have learned to clean up bigger messes in my life.  Three-thirty a.m. bathroom breaks?  I was honestly, wide-awake anyhow.  You want to battle my maxi-skirt?  I can totally tie it in a knot above my knees until I am ready to head out the door.  "Get a puppy," they said, "it will be fun," they said.

Perspective.

I told a co-worker (so relieved to be able to say that again!) last week:  I think children of God are kind of like puppies.  We are learning and growing everyday.  Sometimes we make it to our destination, and sometimes we poop under our favorite chair (figuratively speaking of course...).  Some days we take in all the nourishment we are fed and offered, other days, we leave a little bit scattered in the corner of the kitchen.  Some mornings we want to sleep at 3:00 in the morning, and others, we sit on the front steps in the dark, cool air and talk to God while a little fur ball does her business.  Puppies can scratch, bite, and shout at you in their little "wookie" bark, and the next moment, they are climbing into your lap to give you cold-nose kisses and burrow into the crook of your arm.  We humans tend to get a little huffy and lash out, realize what we have done, and humbly nuzzle back into the arms of our Master, who can't help but smile, pat us on the head, and fully embrace us.

Obedience.

Every moment is a deliberate, repetitive lesson with a puppy: "no", "outside", "come-on", "don't eat that", "sit", "treat", "ahhhhhhhhh".  You all...God, the Father is working in us, daily, and I know with me, it is the same phrases, over and over:  "pray", "be still", "peace", "forgiveness", "you think you can do better?  Okay, I will be right over here when you are ready."

When I was matching up scripture to the message I wanted to share today, the funniest one came up:
 
Psalm 22:20 Deliver my soul from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dog!

Matthew Henry's commentary says: That he (God) would deliver and save him.  Observe what the jewel is which he is in care for...save him from the terror...save him from corruption.

I am totally chuckling...this little jewel of a puppy in my care...who often we call a "little terror".  But not chuckling...Psalm 22 is speaking of the future death and resurrection of Jesus.

From the book of Matthew, Chapter 6:  Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts (trespasses), as we also have forgiven our debtors (those that trespass against us).  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

As the rescuer and master of this puppy, I am tasked with providing for her:  nourishment, the right way to behave, grace and forgiveness when she simply doesn't, realizing that after two weeks of no accidents, one is bound to happen.  Our family has agreed to meet her needs of food, bedding, shelter, love, and the occasional special treat.

The difference is God promises all those things to us, the Lord's Prayer is a gift of instruction.  He is not capable of faltering...He rescues us and meets our needs (not to be confused with our wants) and the needs of all of God's creatures...in us, through us, and right exactly where we are...three o-clock in the morning, under the tall mulberry tree, is a beautiful place to be.

Rescued.  Perspective.  Obedience.  Get quiet today and discern these three words working in your life. Thank you Father for saving me, for giving me your Word as a map, and for speaking to my heart so that I may do my human best to walk in your ways.  Amen.

from Housemix.com

New Every Morning

So in true fashion of the life that is my life, things have been a wee bit crazy in our world.  As always God is affirming a theme these past couple of weeks..."new".

It started a couple of weeks ago as I left the house for my very first day at my new job.  As I turned out of my little town and headed east, the sunrise was Awe-Mazing.  The sun was just starting to break through the top of the clouds that were a beautiful blue-grey impending storm.  They offered a buffer to the blinding brilliance that usually accompanies that first break of light and enabled the sun to be directly looked at and the color was un.create.able...neonorangesalmoncoralredfushiapink, with a hint of glow.

mythoughtscaptive.blogspot.com

And as the whole horizon came into full view, Phil Wickham's "Your Love Awakens Me" hit the airwaves.  God could not have orchestrated a better gift for me as I set out on my new adventure.

My new job is located on a sprawling estate with walking trails, breathtakingly maintained flower gardens, and its own little lake.  The mission of the organization is Christian based and I was welcomed with cards from staff and a Starbucks gift card from a Board Member...my heart was completely won over.

It was a great first week with the beginning of many new relationships, attempting to learn multiple new names and faces, and a constant sense of peace.  Outside my window is an established white hibiscus tree that is frequented by the occasional hummingbird, which were a favorite of my grandma that passed away in May.

When I pulled into work my first Friday, Phil Wickham was again reminding me that "Your Love Awakens Me" and I really felt God saying, "this is beautiful, and this is for you".  My week began and quasi-ended with this musical reminder...

The next day as my daughter and I drove to see my grandpa, we had a lot of discussion about Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God...mostly in the context of tattoos.  We arrived at his room, and to be honest, it was really rough, the kind of rough that had my heart knowing that this might be the day...if not the very moment.  I did my best to focus on my grandma and ran out to her car for her to grab a coloring book she had purchased a few months back for me.  As I reached in her back seat and opened the bag to make sure I had the right one...the title of the coloring book came into view- "Be Still" - and it was in my favorite color...turquoise.

My phone rang shortly after I walked in the door at home that day and Hospice had indeed confirmed that it was only a matter of hours.  What a blessing to kiss his forehead and hold his hand one more time...and an even bigger blessing that morning as he was welcomed into Heaven, he was able to stop by my dream and give me a grand smile and a warm hand squeeze.  You all...Jesus loves us SO much!  That Sunday I was more moved to tears at the overwhelming love that our Father has for us.  That He would prepare a place for us; that He would allow loved ones that last good-bye; that He has a plan to make each and every one of us completely whole in Him someday.  It blows my mind and heart.

I arrive at work Tuesday to find a candle from my Secret Sister - 'Crisp Morning Air'.  In the card she writes that this candle is to remind me that His Mercies are NEW every day, EACH morning.  I flip over the calendar to September this past Friday after his funeral service and the verse is:

Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

As my family figures out a new day without the physical presence of a great man, we are doing so in the presence of God.  He is fully aware of our new.  Our new grief, our new needs, our new progress, our new overwhelming joy in Him, and our desire to seek Him...even through the hard.

I encourage you to step back and fully take in the new He has in store for you this week.  Allow His walk with you to Awaken You until we are reunited in the dawning of a new Heaven and a new Earth...Be Still and Know.

There Will Always be a Blessing

Some things are genetic:
I like mayonnaise on my hamburgers AND my hot dogs.
Canadian Bacon and mushroom pizza is my first choice.
Fresh sea food - oh my yummy tummy.
When I have to deliver serious news...I talk calmly and quietly.

My parents divorced when I was young, both had remarried and I lived in another state when my biological dad was in a boating accident.  I was eight.  Although separated in a variety of ways, I have always had a strong bond with my dad's family.  The above internal habits this week had us all saying, "Me Too!"

My grandpa has been through an incredible health ride since the beginning of May:  pneumonia, kidney failure, cellulitis, antibiotic allergies, skilled nursing, more cellulitis, PT units, a horrible fall/facial stitches, blood transfusion, negligent transportation/brain bleed, back to skilled nursing, and this Sunday back in the hospital with MRSA/low kidney function.  Intermingled with all this is possible dimentia/medically induced confusion/delirium.

But through it all, I watch God work in amazing and beautiful ways.

My grandparents have been married for 64 years.  I watch my grandma grab her walker or cane and take care of every need that she possible can.  She wipes his eyes, scratches his head, rubs his ears, feeds him what little we can get him to eat, wipes the corners of his mouth, covers him up.  It is the MOST precious thing that God has allowed me to part of.  It feeds my soul to witness such love and I am beyond honored to be their grand-daughter.

I mentioned a few blogs ago, that my grandpa was able to regain some memory and pray over our lunch.  As it is very hard to get grandma to leave his side, I elevatored down to the cafeteria to grab her and me some lunch Monday to bring up to the room, and waited for her to pray over our meal.  (This is where I discovered where my Mayo addiction comes from).  She grabbed my hands and said, "You go child".  And God provided the most beautiful words and we were both dripping tears over a burger, salad, and fries.

Later as we were both being strong women as the kidney doctor gave us the run-down, I look up at his assistant and she is holding back rims of tears...so being the contagious crier that I am, the flood gates open, then there goes grandma.  She of course said she was fine until I got going, so I blamed the helper because I was fine until she got going - laughter through tears is so cleansing.

My uncle called and I gave the doctor's report.  My other uncle called up to get clarification, then a cousin, and an aunt.  The first uncle walked into the room later and said "I get real quiet when I am serious, so I knew when you got quiet it was serious".  Oh wow...Me Too!  So...a little history on the pizza.  When I was pregnant with my oldest my uncles came to visit us and my husband called in pizza and asked what they wanted...in unison they said Canadian Bacon and Mushroom.  My husband had stunned silence and we looked at each other wide-eyed as my pizza of choice was exactly that.

I have listened to Sirius XM the Message on the hour drive to and from the hospital the past couple of days.  There have been a few tears, but mostly y'all, I am rocking the one-man praise and worship band in my little Juke.  God is sending all my favorites and I am returning them to Him at the top of my off-key lungs.

All that comes to me is...What A Blessing!  To be a part of this life, this family, this faith.  My grandpa is the one that dropped me off at Sunday School when I was a tiny thing.  To be able to hold his hand, make sure he is warm, and pray over him is overwhelming and such a testament to the circle of life.  He had a moment of clarity yesterday, called me "shorty", and then told me that I had gotten about an inch shorter.  Through all his body is putting him through, he can light up the room with his ornery smile and asks all the new nurses where they go to church.

Isaiah 46:4  Even in your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you.  I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.

Psalm 71:18  So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come.

artflakes.com

My grandparents have always argued over who will get go to see my dad first, and while we will never know why the suffering of the past few months has been allowed, one day we will all celebrate together, and frankly, I don't think "the why" will even be an issue at that point!

Right now we are all trying to discern the lesson, fellowshipping every-other-week in a hospital room, and realizing that there is more to mayo and pizza that meets the eye!  

Thank You Lord that you are bringing our family together, for laughs and tears, deep conversations of faith and raising kids, light-hearted talks of food and mannerisms, for the strength You are giving my grandma and the smile that You share with grandpa.  Thank You for sending healthcare workers that will cry with us. Help all of us to seek Your joy and blessing through every single moment that we are given and forgive us when we question Your ways.  In Your Holy Name...Amen.

Boldly Stand

2 Chronicles 20:17 (MSG) You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm, Judah and Jerusalem, and watch God's saving work for you take shape.  Don't be afraid, don't waver.  March out boldly tomorrow, God is with you.  

What reassurance...stand firm.  You won't have to lift a hand in this battle.  Don't be afraid.  God is with you.

Three nations have come against Jehoshaphat.  A huge force was on its way and they were short on time. Verse 3, Shaken/Afraid he turned to God.  He prays before an assembly of people.  He asks God...are you really going to let this happen?  Are you really going to let them kick us out of the land?  And then, in front of all his town's people, Jehoshaphat says...we are helpless, we don't know what to do, we are looking to You.

God sends his spirit to declare in v. 15 "this is God's war, not yours"...stand firm.

Our Pastor preached on Mark 2 last night where the paralytic was healed.  And what he chose to focus on was - "Be the Friend".  Be the friend that if you can't get through the door to help your brother/sister/friend/neighbor, take it to the roof!  In Mark 2:5 Jesus was "impressed by their bold belief."

As I left our WBS last night and walked out with my friend and we shared our going-ons and weariness...she said, "when you feel yourself spinning out of control, come stand by me, let me be the adult.  You don't have to say anything just come stand by me and feel safe".  And I love her for every ounce of who she is...

This morning at around 3:30 a.m., because that is only second to the shower as to the perfect timing of profound thoughts...God said, come stand by me.  Feel safe.  Don't be afraid.  God is with you.

Like Jehoshaphat, we all experience areas where we feel under attack, and most of the time, we have little notice to prepare.  I have said to God several times over the past few weeks...months...are you really going to let this happen?  I compare J's concern for his land to our need for a comfort zone...are you really going to shake things up?

And here is the kicker...are we willing to admit we are helpless, afraid, trembling?  That we don't know what to do?  Not just to God, but to a friend, to an assembly of people?    Upon J's plea, God didn't say stay home tomorrow, he said "march boldly".  Jesus was impressed by "bold belief".  The war is not ours, but that doesn't mean that we get to sit at home in the cushions of complacency.  Our obedience to stand firm, march boldly, to seek healing for a friend through roof-top faith allows us to witness full-on the work that God does on our behalf. You want proof?  Go stand beside your friend - let your friend stand beside you, march boldly with your people, be willing to have hope that defies logic & gravity.

So having had some heart-to-heart's with God (tear-filled despair & surrender), and sharing with my friend, I bring it before you, my assembly of readers.  I pray Faithful Father, that we all stand firm against the battles that seemingly come out of no where and often in multitudes, that we are willing to be bold despite our weariness, for reliance on pillars of strength found in friends and Jesus, to be a safe zone for others, and to go boldly each day and stand in awe of Your Presence.  Amen.

You Do You

One of my favorite things to hear my daughter say, and it makes me giggle every time is, "You Do You." The chuckle results from the fact that she usually makes this statement when she doesn't want to play along, but is completely okay with us following through on whatever we have declared at the moment.

But in all seriousness, why can't we just let people be themselves?  You totally do you.  Do it well.  You go out there and you rock you!

You want to run a Marathon...

You want to get addicted to Hot Yoga...

You want to incorporate Kale into your daily diet...

You want to wear black socks and white shoes...

You want to drop to your knees as you worship...

You think Kombucha is life changing...

You want to wear Yoga pants even though you don't do Yoga...

You want to travel outside of the United States...

YOU DO YOU!

Here's the deal...

I want to go to the track and walk at a leisurely pace...

I am not a fan of Yoga at any temperature or its pants...

I cannot get an acquired taste for Kale (I have tried and I am over it)...but that Spinach though...

I want to live where I can wear flips flops year round...

I am an intimate worshiper, I might raise my hands on occasion, but it is between me and God...

I love me some Lipton Cold Brew...

I have no desire to travel outside of the U.S. of A...

I can totally do me!

In her Bonus Essays (pg. 3) for her book release For the Love, Jen Hatmaker puts it this way:

The minute we start believing (or acting like) different equals against, then we become combatants in an invented war.  Whether we find offense where there is none or offend because we feel right, either way, we've turned sisters into enemies.  The tricky thing is, there really is no "right" in this particular brand of battle.  It is not right or wrong to let your baby sleep on your bed.  It is not right or wrong to work outside the home.  It is not right or wrong to send your kids to public school.  It is not right or wrong to throw enormous parties.

These are preferences, that's all.  We each have a cocktail of personality, experiences, tendencies, and gifts, and they jumble together and make us who we are.  I do not need to feel threatened because something is right for you but not for me.  You don't need to become defensive because I love this way and you love the opposite.

I am completely sure what she is saying here is "You Do You!"

My husband and I marvel (and at times are horrified) at all the ways our kid's childhood is differing from each of ours.  The world is waaaaayyy different, the way we parent is different, the choices that need to be made...vastly different.  If their lives are being molded unlike the way our parents and grandparents did it...then my friends, they are going to be most certainly distinct from the way you and your family tree made it work.

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born, I set you apart.

Matthew 10:30-31  Even the hairs on your head are all numbered.  So do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.

I once had someone tell me (after to getting to know me) I was a "goodie" in High School.  And my response to him was similar to this:  I had to be.  My parents could not afford to send me to college.  They would have made it work, because they are amazing and wanted more for me, as I did for myself.  I had two younger brothers behind me, I didn't want them to go without current or future needs.  In High School I had to make good grades, being involved in lots of activities was a back-up hope for additional scholarship opportunities, and ended up being the exact thing that landed me a full-ride.  So where some saw "goodie" or "snob"...I saw survival and a future.  I had to do me...it was my ticket out.

God had and continues to have a plan for my life.  While I can look back and see His blessings and loving hand in my choices, both the hard and the necessary...I cannot see what the future holds.  God gave my daughter sweet words Sunday as we discussed my current season - maybe now is just a time of change and trying something completely new.  I know if he provides for the sparrows...He will provide for me.  Let me do me, and my dear co-humans, I am your number one fan to let you do you!  ((hugs)).

If He can hold this world, He can hold this moment.  Not a field or flower escapes His notice.  Oh, even the sparrow...knows He holds tomorrow.  Amen.

Jason Gray - Even the Sparrows

What Have I Done Becomes What Will I Do?

Although I am doing my best to be a courageous and transparent person when I write, there are still aspects about my life that I choose to keep personal and private.  A couple of those categories include politics and religion (please note...not faith, but denominations & buildings).

I avoid those two things because we all have the story that God is writing in us, for us, and meant only for us.  It shapes our choices.  It shapes our comfort zone.  It shapes our inner circle.  It is full of feelings.

With that being said...I am weary.  I am weary of the blame-game.  I am weary of the self-entitlement we give ourselves to share our opinion.  I am saddened by our world and the things that are taking center stage.  The war we are fighting my friends can not be won on social media, the nightly news, or a well-lit stage donned in red, white, and blue.  It can not be won in well-preserved buildings with beautiful stained glassed windows.  It can only be won in in our story, in the personal and private time we give to God.

Ephesians 6:12  for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

When the first plane hit the twin towers, I was packing a diaper bag to take my 15 month old to meet my husband at the OB/GYN's office to hear the heartbeat of her future brother or sister.  As we entered waiting room, the second plane had hit.  All I could think was, "What have I done?  What I have I brought life into?"

  

This morning, fifteen-ish years later, as I sit drinking my coffee, reading my devotions, and journaling...I watch my once 15 month old pack her gym bag and grab her keys to drive herself up to the gym, and my thoughts remain on her future:  What does it look like in this world...what will it look like for her children?

Go get in your car, squeeze your hot-mess-of-a-self into your tiny closet, in the cleansing of a hot shower, on the beach (if you are so lucky), with your coffee on the porch, in the middle of a field at sunrise or sunset, in the front pew of an empty church...go get intimate, up close and personal, and humbled before God.  That is where the war begins...

He knows we are burdened.  He knows we have our own thoughts about how things should work.  He sees us doing life with and without Him.  Go get transparent with Him, wherever you feel safe or unkept, whatever your comfort zone or complete-and-utterly-alone zone - He will meet you right where you are.  

James 4:2  You desire and you do not have, so you murder.  You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.  You do not have, because you do not ask.

What would you ask Him for today?

What is the big thing?  Our nation?  Race relations?  Organized Religion?  Poverty?  

Who or what has He placed specifically on your heart today?  

What do you need from Him?  Faith?  Financial relief?  Healing?  Rest?  Truth?  

My family got me a shirt for my Birthday that reads, "Not Today Satan".  I am thinking I should wear it more than just one day a week...I do not have time for his shenanigans. I can see him manipulating our world, but I am doing all I can to be a light and not a shadow.  I can feel him celebrating his division among God's people, but I will not be a part of his party.  Not.  Today.  Satan.  

The Armor of God.  Prayer.  Love that surpasses all understanding.  Let us vow today to stop seeking blame, and start becoming the solution.  I don't know what that looks like, but I am hitting my knees and praying to the One Who does.

Wilderness Walking

Mark 9:23-24 And Jesus said to him, "If you can!  All things are possible for one who believes."  Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

This story goes on to say that this curse can only be driven out by prayer.  Woo!  (said while loudly exhaling).  Some things, can only be driven out by prayer...I am going to let that marinate as I go into a little bit about why I have been away from the computer and some things that have taken place since my last post about my grandpa's hospital stay.

On June 17th I pasted (scotch-taped) a Facebook post in my journal from Heart of the Prophetic that shot an arrow straight in to my feels:

Embrace your wilderness moments.  Learn all you can.  There's surely a war ahead to obtain your Promised Land but you will strike down every enemy if you build your faith in the desert places. 

That same day a devotion read discusses that our expectations rarely align with God's timing.

In the the wilderness we can often:  See His miracles more clearly, feel His presence more intensely, worship Him more authentically, and obey Him more sincerely.  Even when we don't think He is working...He Is!

My prayer for myself at the end of journaling that morning was:  Steadfast in Prayer

Friends I feel I have been a 'Wilderness Wanderer' for most of the month of June, and therefore, for the most part, disqualified myself from trying to inspire you.  I knew it would be a busy month as I put two teenagers schedules into my calendar, but I could not foresee a few bends in the well-worn path as the month began.  Much like the wilderness, we can find a plethora of beauty, but some spiders and snakes makes us jump into patches of poison ivy when we least expect it.

My grandpa was released two weeks ago into the care of a skilled nursing center, with no improvement in memory or physical ability.  Still not eating or sleeping.  Last Thursday he was driven to the hospital with dizzy spells and continued kidney decline.  They admitted him, sent him back to skilled nursing Saturday afternoon, and that same evening we were back in the ER with extremely low blood pressure and readmitted.

When I walked into the room Monday morning, he burst into tears.  As I looked from him to grandma, completely concerned, her reply came, "he remembers".  Apparently he was allergic to the antibiotic they had been given him for almost a full month, topped with taking too much blood pressure medicine.  When all of that worked out of his system, all swelling left his body and his memory returned.

He cried and said, "this is the best day of my life".  I smiled through my tears with "well, I am not sure about that, but we will take it".  He asked, "you want to know the best part?  I got my wife back".  Although she had been there everyday, when he was "hanging out there" (his words), he thought she had gone for good.  So that is pretty great, but I am not going to lie, I was a little skeptical that we were just having a good moment.  But as the day progressed he was just so happy that he remembered.

Here is the cool part...how he remembered.  He didn't just get his mind back, God came to him and cast out the darkness.  His explanation:  We were all standing there, no one knew what was going on or what was going to happen, and then He just cast all the demons away.  His favorite song was playing, by his favorite singer during this "revival".  Although grandpa says it was waaaaay better than a revival!  As he told us, he just teared up and said, "God is so good, best day of my life".

And I love what God has done for him, and that He allowed us to pray it away.  Next to God casting out the darkness, my second favorite moment Monday was Grandpa praying over our lunch.  It was the best prayer I have ever heard in my life!  (I'm not sure about that, but we are going to take it!)  My plan from here on out is always to visit at meal time and hear as many of those that the good Lord will allow.

As thrilled as I am at the miracle healing that God is affirming for our family, I am sticking firm to my steadfast prayer for a friend whose brother has been in CCU for a little over a week now.  We are praying, interceding, and declaring that same miracle healing for him, and I am so excited for the work God is doing in His kingdom for His children.

At the beginning of June I got a summons for Jury Duty.  Each Friday I would call in and a recording would tell us that all cases had been settled or dismissed...except last week.  So I had to show up for the Jury pool this week, and then I had to go and get myself picked.  I have to say, I needed to have my faith in humanity restored.  Through deliberation and conversation, it was very interesting to be a part of.  Of course it gave me something new to pray for...

As I drove to the court house this morning, Casting Crowns song Just Be Held came on.  In it they sing, "Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong", "When you're on your knees and answers seem so far away" and, "Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place" and the tear drops fell.  I have known I am wandering, that it has a purpose, not necessarily that things were falling apart, but they were not on the beaten path, and just trying to be strong...to survive the month, the unknown trail I was traversing.

Another post on my Facebook wall, just yesterday:  When you go through the wilderness, you understand that prophetic ministry is not about theology alone, it's also about experience.  - Jennifer LeClaire

I am reviewing this month blossoming with blessings, triumphs, emotions, illness, healing, civic duties, obligations, choices, prayers...and I am pleading with God to "help my unbelief!" - allow me to pray it away, to surrender to the path in the midst of tall trees of trials and tribulations, of discernment and compassion, of hope, faith, and love beyond any earthly revival.

Relying on God to be sovereign in His alignment of people, places, and events...
Praying even when we don't understand His ways...
Surrendering to His embrace when the worry of disbelief overgrows the rocky path...
The wilderness is about the experience...
Just be held...

Riding the Loop-de-loops

We all have those things in life that we pray over, are compassionate about, that draw a deep empathy, but in terms of experiencing it, we may not be able to relate.

I had a lady from church get a little shnarky with me in a bible study quite awhile back.  She was upset because, being recently widowed, she was concerned that there was no "widow care" in our church.  I tried to gently explain to her that I was praying for her, that I had deep compassion for her loss, but to know what her needs were or to be able to offer advice on how to put one foot in front of the other, I could not relate. That didn't mean I wasn't listening or available, just that I didn't have the words to make it better.

She wasn't concerned about widows in our church until it happened to her, and now she does a wonderful job checking in on our widowed population.  That is her new ministry, her gift.  Sadly, she had to experience it in order to find her passion for it.

This past couple of weeks has been a roller coaster ride, not the fun one that leaves you laughing so hard you pee a little, but the kind that leaves you with your hand over your mouth running for the nearest trash can.

My grandpa was admitted to ICU a few weeks back, worked through a couple of hard days of pain and something akin to a diagnosis (my critical self thinks we are still missing something).  He began to break the fever, the infection abated, and then a whole new crash of the kidneys and heart set in.  The doctor on duty told us to call in the family.  The next day he was sitting up, being his ornery self.  He was on a steroid to open up his lungs and he was WIDE awake from that day forward...

This lack of rest and battle with medications for which symptom to treat has left us in a long stay in the hospital, and a new relatable for me...dementia/hospital delirium.  We are at a point, where it may or may not correct itself once he gets stronger and dismissed from the hospital.  Either way, we have all experienced his inability to be aware and it is a whole new roller-coaster-grand-opening of emotions.

My grandpa is the strongest, most faithful, loving, joy-filled person I know.  He is my hero.  In his current state, his ability to talk about fishing and God is his "happy place".

As we left the hospital yesterday, he was able to call my husband by name twice.  It is not that he doesn't know me, I am just not sure he can connect it right now, and that is how I also felt this past Wednesday.  My husband said the best thing as he agreed with me..."even though he can't connect it, somehow he knows you are important".  And that is totally in line to what my heart was perceiving as I sat next to grandpa that morning: me reaching up to hold his hand, and him squeezing the circulation out of mine.  He just kept holding on tight.

Our relationship with Jesus is very much the same.  We are searching our hearts and minds, we know we should know Him, we know He is important, we just have to hold on tight and keep our hands and feet inside the cart, and wait to see where the ride takes us.

From Familyshare.com

I think every incline and decent of our amusement park lives is meant to teach us to rely on His strength, to acknowledge we are weary, and to simply be in the current moment to the best of our ability.

Isaiah 40:31...but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 105:4  Seek the Lord and His strength; seek his presence continually!

Ephesians 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.

Psalm 46:1  God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

We are indeed weary and relying on His strength.  It is like the roller coaster stop button is broken, and we pull through the platform and just keep going up, then we drop, then we take a hard right into the next loop, oh wait, double loop!  I think I can speak for my entire family when I ask, "can we get off now?".

I had to come to terms eight days ago that I may walk out of that hospital room and never see my grandpa this side of Heaven.  And boy-oh-boy did I shed some ugly tears in the darkness of my back deck over a glass of Moscato and lots of tissues.  But what I learned is that God will give me the peace to throw my hands in the air and let go...when it is time, although He may provide a trial run here and there.  God is the Great Healer, sometimes that occurs in this life, and sometimes that occurs in eternal life, either way, when we know we know HIM, we enjoy the ride all the more.

When all else is uncertain...remember to hold tight.

Thy Will by Hillary Scott

The Hard Is What Makes It Great

Well, the past month has been a little bit of a whirl wind:

We said good-bye to my Grandma Johnson.
Celebrated Mother's Day.
My P.E.O. group raised over $3000 for Women's Continuing Education.
I preached at church, twice.
I helped a lady from church clean out her closets and bid a fond farewell to several items.
We celebrated friends and Graduates.
Ended the last year in Middle School...I now have TWO high schoolers!
We attended a couple of baseball showcase tryouts.
We celebrated our Pastor who will be leaving for a new church in one short week.
We shopped for and settled on a car for my almost 16-year old.
I visited my grandpa in ICU and had a great lunch with grandma.
I attended an Unemployment "training" and was told to "weaken" my resume.
I have been trying to write as I can and blog when I have uninterrupted time.
I sat through a "Summons for Jury Duty".
Yesterday my Uncle passed away, my Grandma Johnson's middle son.
And today, well today I am blessed to claim 20 years of marriage to my wonderful husband and father of my spawn, who happens to be celebrating a birthday today as well...

The house isn't always clean, but the dog gets fed, laundry stays caught up, and there is always coffee pods for the Keurig and a cold beer in the fridge saying "try again tomorrow".

Twenty years ago...I was twenty...let that sink in.  We started off these twenty years with sexy lingerie (me, not my husband so much), two-door cars, Tuesday nights at Chili's, lots of burnt dinners, college classes, ski trips, baby faces, slimmer waist lines, and larger dreams.  We have lived through big bangs, white socks and Nike sandals, Jorts, denim and khakis, overalls, HairBands, Grunge, and the Atlanta Braves in their prime (RIP).

Those things gave way to larger waist lines, C-section scars, gravity, late-night feedings and diaper changes, not-so burnt dinners, careers, facial hair (My husband, me not so much), stay-cations, four-door cars, mini-vans, and SUV's, and reality.  We survived colic, bouts of the flu, depression, the terrible two's and the thunderous three's (twice), a big move, Tweens, and are learning to accept reality over big dreams, though some days are harder than others.

Marriage is hard, it is hard to think about that early on when everything is new, sexy, focused, and with vast possibilities.  I am so glad that I found someone that would walk the hard with me, that would love me no matter what my hair choices were, what kind of day I was having, or what kind of choice I was making.  Because walking away from the hard is not an option...the hard is what makes it great.

Adulting is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Making tough choices is beyond hard.  But coming through all of that together, hand-in-hand, weary but wonderfully worn, content to snuggle up on the couch and table another dream for another day, not everyone chooses to do it, and I am so glad we have stuck together to experience the great.

I believe the Bible is true, but I think it has to have left out some petty arguments.  I think that Eve probably just ripped Adam a new grape leaf off the vine rather than wash the same one over and over. I wonder if Noah ever saw his wife on the deck of the arc and thought "woman, I will push you over". I think the invention of pressing olives probably came from spouses needing to smash something in frustration.  And sweet Mary, "I am not walking, have you seen the size of my kankles?"  Humaning is hard...but the hard is what lends itself to love.  The kind of love we see in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends... 

As I look back on what this year has brought into our lives already, I am thankful for the man that God placed in my life to endure (with) me.  Surviving an aging dog, job loss, grief, sassy teenagers, 50 shades of Crae, road trips, leaky faucets, balanced budgets, sports try-outs, musical cars, and spicy food - We have survived 100% of 2016 so far, from one spectrum to the other.

I know we share this day with many other great couples - Cheers to us and to all of you who work through the hard and celebrate the great!

Hanging on to the Broken Mirror

Confession:  When I started this blog a little over a year ago, I was not entirely sure I would stick with it.  I was almost sure I would be criticized, judged, and defeated.  And while I am sure my critics are out there, because we all have them, I am beyond humbled by those of you who have reached out to me in response to a message that touched you.  I can tell you that those messages that pierce you right in the "feels", those are are not from me, but from Him.  I recently spent an afternoon going back and reviewing where I started and where I was finding myself.  And I cried at the things God used me to say.  The Letter To My 30-Year Old Self had me boo-hoo-ing at the healing and the scars that mark the journey ten years later.

And here is one of the first things I wrote in that initial blog, that first step into transparency, that embracement of vulnerability, that "let me invite you into my very imperfect world":

I feel called to share my Faith in a BIG way, but am becoming more aware each day that the SMALL ways are when He works most effectively.  If I can give one half of one ounce of HOPE to one person, then my day can be check-marked a success, and if not, I will mark the box that says "try again tomorrow".  I feel called to be completely ordinary, completely broken, and completely available to share how perfectly imperfect our brief lives are.

I have set a goal for myself, outside of this blog, to write one thousand words a day for thirty days.  Not including weekends because...Yeah!  Weekends!  Besides the fact that we are usually at baseball and if you could see the variety of activities that vomited on my June calendar this past week, well.  Yeah!  Weekends.  I have had some blips hit my radar and missed some week days, but the goal is to have a goal, do my very best to make it a priority, and have a giant cup of coffee and a whole lot of grace if the day goes otherwise.

I have a piece of broken mirror that I use everyday to check the back of my hair in the larger bathroom mirror.  This piece is the larger fragment of a small square travel mirror which I recently dropped.  But here is the deal, before I had this shard, I had been using another shard for almost five years.  It was a smooth triangular piece that came from a similar mirror that busted in conjunction with our lives being shattered by shady business deals, hail storms, break-ins, and bankruptcy.  We were having so much "bad luck" that that broken mirror had nothing on me!  So I kept it as a daily reminder of what we were going and had gone through, and how far we had come.  And just when I decided to get rid of it and let the past be the past, two days later I break the new mirror.

I realized that I need that little piece of brokenness to start my day each morning.  A small reflection to keep my humble and remind me that 7-years is 7-years:  bad luck, good luck, blessings, broken dreams, new paths, old dreams, new blessings, shorter hair, and a little larger waist size.  A reminder that beautiful things sometimes get broken in a thousand different ways, but that doesn't make them less useful, less important, less loved.

As I wrote this week of an event in my past, it drew out some crocodile tears.  I had a busy week last week and did not have a chance to finish a personal bible study I was almost at the end of.  I would like to draw attention to God's timing here because my True Spirituality book by Chip Ingram, in Chapter 22:  Will You Let Christ Heal You?, tells me that Forgiveness is a three-stage process.  My emotional surface was questioning this memory and debating if I had indeed forgiven.

Stage 1 - to forgive - is a choice; an act of the will.  You don't need to feel like forgiving someone to do it.  You need to choose to release any desire for retribution to God and treat them with mercy.

Stage 2 - forgiving - is a process whereby your choice to forgive begins over time to align with your emotions.  This process can take months or even years.  The key at this stage is prayer.  Prayer for the ability to let the bitterness and denial go...

Stage 3 - forgiven - is an alignment of the Spirit of God, your choice to obey God in forgiving, combined with the emotional experience of feeling genuine joy when blessing that person's life.  It is not an easy process!

My writing is the process I use to begin the work of letting the past go.  And as I read and reread these steps I come to the the conclusion that it is forgiven...but the brokenness remains.  Then I realized that just like my broken mirror reminder and the story that Paul shares with the Corinthians, I have a thorn in my side.  I have a weakness in this vulnerability that allows me to lean fully on the grace of Jesus.

2 Corinthians 12:7  So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.

The other night I placed a notepad and pencil by my bed because I am pretty brilliant while I overthink at 2:00 am or in between sleeps and the snooze button.  The other day God said to my heart, "the world looks broken because we fail to be".  All the brokenness that we are trying to hide, the cracks in the glass, the kinks in the armor...those are being projected onto our world.  If I can just hide my flaws and failings, then I can project it onto something else and take the attention away from what is lying just skin deep.  The world is reflection of what we are.  And my friends, whether you like to admit it or not, you are broken.

We will never be whole in the way we were before we hit the ground and slivers of us were swept up and sifted through.  We have to embrace the fact that we are looking in one mirror to see what the other mirrors sees.  It is important to share our shards, our thorns, our stories.  In doing so, we are saying I will be the reflection you need to get up and keep going, I will be the rose to your thorn, I will be the chapter in the book that yells "plot twist!" and walks arm and arm with you into a world that yes, is broken, but is also a million plus different pieces of beautiful...

If you take nothing else from this today, please break yourself down for 3 minutes and 16 seconds to not just hear, but listen, not just watch, but absorb the words from my girl Francesca, "If We're Honest"...

Praying surrender, courage, acceptance, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love over my readers today.  May you feel the brokenness that Christ endured pierce your heart in honesty.  Amen.

Hearts of Clay

I was honored this morning to be a part of a brief activity at our local elementary school.  Our small town boasts one of the only heart-shaped labyrinths in the world.  When we moved back, it was in the planning phases and now, almost ten years later...wow...it is a destination place for a variety of events. We talk about God's timing and trusting that He will bring all things to good - sometimes this takes years!  Moses wandered the desert for my entire life span.  The artists and committee who designed the "Heart In The Park", have been working on a project since that first brick was laid and now, ten years in the making, it is progressing toward fruition.

Every year the first grade class and new students in upper grades are asked to put their thumb print on a clay heart and decorate it any way they wish.  I watched all those little hands press into the soft, damp clay, determination on their young faces, and each one turned out exactly the way they wanted and no two were even close to being alike.  They wanted to know where clay came from?  How it got shaped like that?  How it gets changed in the fire?

Those little clay hearts are very much like our own hearts.  Each one has been imprinted on differently, has taken on its own identity, and is so soft and pliable when we are young and creative.   Then somewhere along the line, perhaps, bit by bit, we are hardened by the experiences.  The fires we face transform our heart into something a little more akin to stone and we don't even realize we are sitting in the kiln.  Where do we come from?  What shapes us?  How will we react to the fire?

What God worked on me today is that even hardened hearts are beautiful.  Even hardened hearts have a place in the bigger picture of this project known as life.  They are etched both with shallow and deep impressions; no mark is exactly the same as another.  Every heart has a story to tell, perfectly crafted by the Master Artist, and may take ten years or more to put the final piece in place. What one views as an "Oopsie," someone else is saying "Perfection!"

Romans 11:25 I want you to understand this mystery, dear brothers and sisters, so that you will not feel proud about yourselves.  Some of the people of Israel have hard hearts, but this will last only until the full number of Gentiles comes to Christ.

This verse adds to my current hope.  Hardened hearts only last until the time is right, and at that moment, it is not ours to be proud of.  God is in the lucrative business of changing hearts and has perfected His technique.  His refining could take hours, days, or years depending on the size of the project.  We all start out as clay in His capable hands and become crafted into something that he sees as "Perfection!"

Mark 3:5 He looked around at them angrily and was deeply saddened by their hard hearts.  Then he said to the man, "Hold out your hand." So the man held out his hand, and it was restored.

It is really hard for me to know how to approach hard hearts; to help begin the restoration.  But, there is comfort in knowing that Jesus was sad and even angry at their stubbornness.  I realize that it is my job to authentically present the love and joy that can be found in Jesus, not church, but in Him alone. He will take it from there.  I visit with  many people whose hearts are hardened towards the church -please know that Jesus never intended for the church to be what it has become.  Let Him, not religion, work on your heart.   I would be happy to give you His business card.

One little guy asked me, "what if I move?"  My response was, "you always have something to come back to to call your own."  A little piece of heart in every project we have ever been a part of, coming together shape by shape, scratch by scratch, and scrape by scrape.  The hardened heart has a story to tell...peek into the kiln and find the beauty that is revealed.

Abundance and Need

The Mom Quilt (click to purchase) is out in paperback on Amazon!  What an exciting project to be a part of - It is both exhilarating and frightening to see your name in print!  The water well in Kenya has been fully funded through the initial PDF sales of the book and generous matching donations.  Check out this picture of the well being drilled - I helped with that!

So that is my exciting news for the week!  In other news...

My sweet grandma finished up her 96 years here on earth.  While we miss knowing that we can hug or see her at a moments notice, it is such a blessing to know her body, soul, and spirit are finally at rest.  I know that there were many people so excited to see her as she entered the gates.  I giggled yesterday as I pictured her at Jesus' feet shewing everyone else away so she could have some time with Him.

Philippians 4:13 is a favorite verse among many:  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Taken as itself it is used by athletes to find inner strength, to encourage and persevere.  But I think, in actuality we have missed the original intent of the verse.

Philippins 4:11-12 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  (And now 13) I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Even when things don't work out the way we planned, when we have to say good-bye, when we don't live in our "dream house" working our "dream job" taking "dream vacations"...God is giving us strength in the hunger and in the need, getting us through one more day.  And we are to draw on His strength when we experience the defeat and grief, as well as when we receive the victory and the blessing.  We can do anything through Him...

We can fight cancer.
We can say good-bye to a loved one.
We can find blessings in whatever roof is over our head.
We can hold our head-up as we receive grace at the Food Bank.
We can face terminal diagnosis with an eternal perspective.
We can pray.
We can write.
We can wait patiently (or throw a fit while Jesus taps His foot)
We can count, at minimum...three Blessings in our day...we may not want to see the good, but it is there. It is up to you to see it, no one can do it for you.  Close your eyes and hold on to them with all your heart.
We can mend what was broken.
We can be found...
And yes, we can win the victory of the moment.

I have spoken to several people this week that are attending or returning from funerals.  Just this morning I saw that a High School friend lost his two-year old son...Dear Lord, in your strength keep them together.

Abundance and Need fill my heart this season of life:
Graduation and dreams of the future are everywhere for high school and college students.  I love watching their excitement!
Women and their babies are receiving fresh water in Kenya.  Thanks be to God!
People are grieving.
Grandparents are ill.
Babies are being born and babies are being lost.

In His strength you will without a doubt find abundance and need today.  That is life my friends.  May He surround you with angel armies and earthly embraces and celebrations as He meets you exactly where you are today!

Say Yes to Rest!

If you've been following me this year, first of all - fist bump and a big THANK YOU - second, you might remember reading our sweet basset hound had surgery at the first of February.  We have noticed that he has aged quite a bit since the surgery, slowing down, sleeping more, needs some Just For Men Gel around the facial features.  But this week seems to be hitting him a little harder.

Wednesday he hardly moved, maybe all of three feet just to lay back down again.  Usually he follows me around the house and lies down by my feet, but not yesterday.  He can get down the back deck stairs to do his business, but for two days now, we have had to carry him back up to the door.  He is eating fine, no labored breathing, no out-of-the-ordinary stank...

So, last night I turned to the Internet, where all information is true and trustworthy.  All the honorable and upright webpages I surfed verified, for the most part, we have a dog not only entering his senior life, but a couple of years into them.

They also said a 50+ pound dog over the age of eight, might sleep 20 hours a day!  We totally nailed that average this week.

I talked to a friend on Tuesday and asked how things were going and she said "If I can just get through these next two weeks".

My Pastor came back into town yesterday after being with her Dad since Saturday.  She had been sitting at a hospital for four days, dealing with medical history, doctors & nurses, new medical history, and she drove home to handle some things here, sleep in her own bed for one night, and then back on the road to be with him again.  We all can relate to that experience and it can be summed up in one word...weary.  We get to where we are running on fumes.

My dad came by the house this morning to let me know he was headed far north to sit with my grandma who was admitted to the hospital.  My heart went out to him when he said "she has been telling everyone she is just ready to go".  The only consolation I had was "Dad, I am half her age, and I am tired...she is simply exhausted".

Life is so busy and accessible.  I have no idea what kind of panic my parents experienced because - GASP - we did not have cell phones, GPS, and certainly no internet to check five different social media sites to see if we had taken a selfie or checked in where we were supposed to be.

Not only do my kids have school activities, but almost anything extracurricular now a days has an honor group, travel group, or competitive squad that fills every weekend that you could ever want free.

And the result is that all we really want, need, or google information for is...to rest, to get the easy answer so that we can breathe a sigh of relief.  We have to verify it in order to give ourselves permission to let down. We have to make sure someone else is doing it, so that we are not alone in allowing ourselves to recharge.

I spoke at church last night and one of my favorite parts of what God put on my heart was that we have to start saying No to all the busy, so that we can be ready to say Yes to something better.  We can't live a life of purpose if we are always saying yes to other peoples' purposes.  And dear friends, we need to say Yes to rest!  We need to recharge our batteries, our joy, our purpose, our love.  We need to have energy in reserves for dogs that need carried up the stairs, sick parents, and grandparents who are looking at an entirely different set of stairs.

God rested.  And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done.  So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.  Genesis 2:2-3(ESV). 

He set the example.  Not only did He set the example, He did it on like the second page of the Bible - early on He made it important.  And we know that Heavenly time is different from Earthly time - think about it, God could have rested for hundreds of seriously dreamy years, not just one 24 hour day (which would also be dreamy), but several upon several.  Just chillin' by the ocean watching His creation and resting.  Totally speaking my language...

And as I type this, my husband just texted that his weekend plans were pre-rained out...two days, no plans, with my family...Rest On!

Image from Pinterest and Elizabethgeorge.com

P.S. If you are over the age of 8, and over 50 pounds, I am an honorable and trustworthy authority on the Internet that is giving you permission to rest.  That is a fact.  Please print this off in black and white, carry it with you to your hammock, or make a paper umbrella out of it for your drink.  Happy Resting!

One Round at a Time

I am well into my 40 years and as I contemplate all the things I could share with you, it's that by now I should be insanely familiar with "sometimes it just doesn't work out".  I had to make a horrible decision last week to acknowledge that something I thought was custom-made for me, was exactly the opposite...and I walked away.

With two busy teenagers, it is a rare occasion that we make it to the latest new releases at the local movie theater.  We are more of a rent it on Amazon Prime, microwave some popcorn, pour a Diet Dr. Pepper, slide into some pajamas, and reserve a couch cushion kind of family.  So this past Saturday, we rented Creed, and if you are a fan and follow the history of the Rocky movies, this one was a big legacy deal.  

Sitting on my sofa surrounded by the heart-ache of the week, and my boys, it struck me.  Once the fight begins, Rocky keeps repeating:  One step at a time, one round at a time.  In case you are a renter like me, I don't want to spoil the movie, but Apollo's son has a tough act to follow.  And every phase is requiring effort, training, dependence on people around him that have more knowledge, desire, commitment, and heart-ache for all the relationships that could have been.  Reminds me a bit of our learning to walk as authentic Christians.

Sunday morning brings thunder & coffee, blueberry muffins & bacon, and the request to braid hair before church.  And as I am still dwelling on my heart-ache...I dwell well...I hear my son's video game say:  Take what you learned from this round and take it into the next battle.  Again, reminding me of our walk as authentic Christians.

And God clearly knows that the third time is a charm (or a battle wound from being beaten over the head) with me...Toby Mac's "Move (Keep Walking)" was the first song on the radio as I climbed into the car this morning to head over to the Unemployment Office to untangle my mess.

A few things I learned from/am reminded of in my most recent bout of "didn't work out"...

1. Christians are people.  We are human people.  We are capable of getting it wrong, passing judgement, jumping into something that puts on a good front all for the sake of getting into the ring and "fighting the good fight" of faith.

2.  We should never put anything on a pedestal.  When that pedestal crumbles, we are left feeling bruised, damaged, and wondering if God is in our corner.

3.  Nothing is worth our soul.  Whatever was lurking...my soul wanted no part of it.  

So taking my little trifecta of messages the past few days, I will face the next round, one step at time, learn from it for the next battle, and keep walking.

1 Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight for the true faith.  Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have declared so well before many witnesses.  

I love how Timothy says "true faith".  Because there are a lot of things out there that would give you the impression of faith, but once you get a little up-close and personal, it is not God's true faith that is governing.

I have something that God has put on my heart (beating me over the head with).  If you are a prayer warrior or would like to be one for me, I am asking you to pray over this project.  If you would like specifics, please message me and I will fill you in on what God has revealed so far - because, my broken heart is putting together some pieces and isn't real sure of what this all looks like just yet.  But I welcome you to be a person of true faith and prayer if you are being called to do so.  I look forward to sharing my progress!  

Until then, "I know your heart's been broke again, your prayers ain't been answered yet...keep walkin'...soldier keep movin' on".  

New Things Are Changing

Change...

Not loose change or a little change in my pocket...

Change...

It is not a word that makes too many Top Five lists.  It isn't a word that causes uncontrollable squeals accompanied by jumping up and down.  It does not put a smile on too many faces.  Change often is the word we associate with the "UN-Comfort Zone".

And yet, there is change that is good.  If you have a good stylist, changing your hair is usually good.  If you are trying to be healthy and you have to change to a lower pant size...good.  And depending on your situation:  changing jobs, changing your address (especially if it is a beach house), changing your underwear, changing your attitude, changing your friends...

Anything new or being done for the first time is change, and it isn't necessarily the panic evoking kind.  For example (because I wouldn't want to leave you guessing):

Marriage.

Childbirth.

In my case, childbirth #2...Twenty-one (21!) months later.

First home purchase.

First big vacation as a family - the take an airplane kind. 

Okay...well, maybe mild to moderate panic.

But those new things are exciting.  They are blessings.  They are things you anticipated for months, or maybe years, and then they are coming to fruition, and it is new, and it is change, and it is life.

I am reflecting on all this because - I started a NEW job last week! And I have termed the last five weeks "The Month of Kari" - and it is coming to an end and something is changing, and it is new, and exciting, and a blessing, and another unexpected penny on the ground that you pick up and toss into your...change.

I look back on "The Month of Kari" and it feels so good to let the weariness slide off.  I did one big thing I wanted and had always wanted to do...that crazy dream to prepare and work the church Thrift Sale.  And it was a two-week, and 12 hour day that I would not otherwise have gotten to do.  It was something new for me and I did my best to make the most of every minute!  I have not been deliriously tired in a long time...way to go church family!

So I am experiencing this new job, and new co-workers, a new coffee routine, a new way to use Excel (oh Mylanta), a new commute, and a new window to look out of.  I can tell you all that God is so amazingly good.  He aligns, affirms, and waits for us to wear ourselves down like a two year old.

My devotions are reminding me that nothing that happens to us or around us is random or chaotic if we rely on God's timing.  It is not our job to figure out how He is going to do it, we just have to trust that He will. It made me think of a sermon my James Tedder on Sermons4kids.com (ironic...I know):

Have you ever stopped to pick up a penny lying on the ground? Well, let me tell you a little story about picking up pennies. 

Once a friend of mine and his wife were invited to spend the weekend at my friend’s employer's home. They were very nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than their house. The first day and evening went well, and Arlene, my friend’s wife, was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so she was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of my friend. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. 

Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up? 

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?'Look at it.' He said. 'Read what it says.' She read the words ‘United States of America’ 'No, not that; read further.’ ‘One cent?’ ‘No, keep reading.’ ‘In God we Trust?’ ‘Yes!’ ‘And?’ ‘And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!” 

It is easy for us to get so caught up in the ways of the world so mush we forget that God is always there right beside us We just need to trust in Him and allow Him to take care of our each & every need. The Psalmist tells us to, “Be Still and Know that I am God.” Sometimes we just need to stop our busy lives & feel God’s presence. Of course sometimes we need a little reminder, even if it is as insignificant as a penny lying on the ground...

May we take a new approach to "change" this week, because all the changes that make our lives a tidbit weary deserve an "In God We Trust".

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.