I have been approached a few times, after 'filling the pulpit', sharing my testimony, or speaking at an event with the question "have you ever thought about becoming a preacher?". And my delivery always contains a smile and a giggle as I share the same initial answer...Uhhhhh, No. To say I haven't thought about it ever is not entirely true, because every time that I am asked, I do have to take .33333 of a second and ponder it, roll it around in my head and my heart, but God firmly leads me, continually, to 'No'.
A portion of my 'No' is due to the judgement people can place on that title, and consequently the fear of being put into a box with immovable sides and sharp corners. And since I am still in the early phases of this journey, I can admit that I am nevertheless affected when people judge me. In spite of this, I am in a position where I no longer dwell on it and spend unworthy amounts of time trying to figure out how to make them see/understand the 'real me', and I may have been to known to pour a tall glass of wine and say a few choice words as I try to work through the 'how dare they?!'.
I do my best to explain the 'Uhhhhh, No' with the fact that I wholeheartedly feel called to just be a real person. A real person who can read her bible, lead a public prayer, attend/lead bible study, fill the pulpit, completely commit to praying for you (whether or not you ask me to)....while still doing things that everyday people do...while still being totally in love with God, because He is so super awesome! Jesus is saying that He wants to use me right now with all my flaws, with all my compassion, with all my unknowns. For whatever reason, He wants to use me because of what I have gone through in the past, to give courage to someone in my future who is facing what they feel is an insurmountable struggle and they are not sure if God is there anymore. He needs me to be His hands and feet, not walls and corners. Do not put me in a box, because I will totally go major-network-nightly-news-lead-story on you. Too. Much. Pressure.
Acts 26:29 And Paul said, "I would wish to God, that whether in a short or long time, not only you, but also all who hear me this day, might become such as I am, except for these chains."
I love that the header for Acts, Chapter 26 (NASB) is "I Couldn't Just Walk Away". Saul had every intention to speak against the word of God, to disprove it, when He encountered Jesus and was encouraged to see the light. And I don't think Paul was walking casually to Damascus, I picture it as an Imperial March, forceful, deliberate...and then here is Jesus telling Paul that He has other plans for him. And Paul could no longer deny it and walk away like nothing had happened. And Paul begins to live "such as I am". He doesn't deny that he had it all wrong, he owns it and uses his past to propel him forward and share God's message, and he knows that God can work quickly or draw it out until the perfect time. Learning as he went, no perfection, new territory, completely out-of-the box living.
I have landed at a point in my life, and for the most part, I know who I am. And I am not bragging, I just want you to know, that I really am nice. If I know you, I am going to say Hi to you and probably wave, and maybe even give you a hug. That is wholly who I am, whether you believe it or not (Now, if you have been a turd to me somewhere along the road, it may not be an overly enthusiastic Hi and prooobablyyy nooot gonna get a hug, but chances are strong that I will still acknowledge that I know you in public). I was at a convention this past weekend, where I got to see ladies that I only see this one time a year. When that happens we smile and hug and then laugh as we look at each other's name tag and ask "What was your name again? Where are you from?"...To be authentic, to acknowledge that we are connected in some way, to absolutely embrace that I forgot your name, but I know you and love you anyways...I adore it.
So in the spirit of connecting and keeping it real:
No one in my family puts the new roll of toilet paper back on the dispenser, not even me...
Not sure about sister, but pretty sure the rest of us all blow our noses in the shower...
Right now, there are about six squished June Bugs on my floors, and no one will pick them up...
Do not, I repeat, do not look behind/under/within my couch...
When we make brownies at our house, we get out ONE fork, it stays in the dish, and the whole batch sporadically disappears...
I don't think I am alone when I say - sometimes I take a swig straight from the milk jug...
When I work in the yard, I sweat in embarrassing places...
I have suffered from Post-Partum Depression, Depression in general, and Social Anxiety...
I am giddy to be starting a new book, Sermon on the Mount, in our Women's Bible Study group next week...
I have a prayer journal in my purse, because I forget things and you never know when God will need you to write something down...
I had peanut butter, no bread or jelly, just peanut butter for lunch...
Sh*t is a part of my vocabulary, almost free from all others, but that one lingers...
I have an alter-ego when you talk smack on my kids or husband or family (I will cut you off like a past-due bill)...
And I would guess that you have spotted several grammatical, punctuation, etc. errors...
Not perfect, nowhere even close, have not claimed to be...I can own it and believe me, I continually pray about it. If you want to talk about any of the above items, I can promise you a real and genuine conversation with lots of laughter, and possibly some tears. If God can use me, I tell you with all sincerity, He can use anyone!
"Such as I am"...it will not fit in a box and there is no need to recycle it...I'm made new!
No comments:
Post a Comment