Hosanna! Hosanna!

Do you ever want to take God's invitation to come as a child literal?  Like kicking and screaming and sticking your tongue out?  I was throwing a pretty good terrible-two's tantrum in my heart last Sunday...you want me to come as a child...here you go!  I sat down to do my devotions, and refused to journal.  I looked at my daily prayer guide and refused to write.  I told God (haha...funny right?) that He better have a good message at Palm Sunday service because I was on my last blast...two-year olds eventually wear themselves down and pass smooth out right?

I walk into church and there is a flurry of little kids, much older and maturer than my two-year old self, and they are waving some serious palm branches.  And the processional starts and they are singing and swaying and waving those palms and simultaneously...God entered the room.  The only way I can explain it, is I heard a feeling.  And God whispered..."I died for you".  I teared up and then as I made an effort to release my inner toddler, I choked on my tears and started coughing and totally deflected that I was weepy.  I think.

Palm Sunday...God stops to weep.  He is entering the week that He was sent for.  The crowd is screaming Hosanna!  Hosanna! - which I learned Sunday means "Save Now".  And so was my mantra for the rest of the day...Hosanna!  Hosanna!

God's divine timing had me reading the fourth book in a series called Saving Gideon:  The Angel Chronicles by Mary May.  These fictional books are and about Spiritual Warfare and I had been waiting for another book to be released, so it was no coincidence that I happened upon it last week.  Book four focused on circumstances that do not go our way, and without realizing it, we invite in a "bitter heart demon".  I could have placed myself in the story.  And the ache in my heart told me that I had sent out unknowingly a little one-demon e-vite and I needed to retract that summons ASAP.  

 Image by Sassy Graphics

I have to apologize to God daily for my humanity - that I continue to tell Him (haha!) to send a burning bush sign.  And God said last Sunday...fire and two-year olds DO NOT mix.  And He placed 1 Corinthians 10:31 on my heart...Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.  Keeping to myself hoping my situation turns around sooner than later, is not producing a novel of glory...

So I banished the bitter-heart demon and took the spankin' spoon to my selfish heart.  I made a decision that this week would be one of activity that gave God the glory.

I have always wanted to help with the preparation of my church's Annual Thrift Sale, but have always been stuck at work.  I suspected I was missing out on fellowship and feel-good goose bumps - and not to toot my own horn - but I was totally right.  My fellow Sisters-in-Christ volunteering to sort, clean, and lable treasures this week think I am crazy (I am), but I have had the best week being up there with them.  Just the opportunity to laugh and visit with them; to look at the "things" people donate to the event (people we need a "stuff" intervention!), and then to have my heart leap at the thought of the people that not necessarily want what we have...but NEED it.  The mission and outreach of the event puts a little lump in my throat.

And I hear the feeling "I died for this".  For us to be able to walk in our brokenness, while finding a way to extend mercy, grace, kindness, necessity, and fellowship.

This was the fourth week of being laid off...and I survived.  Not only did I survive, God sent friends to check on me with text messages, cards, hugs, outreach of "what can I do to help".  People, my favorite part of Psalm 23 is "my cup overflows" - and so it did this week.  

Holy Week is my favorite week in the church.  Jesus entered the city, was fueled with a passionate urgency, fellow-shipped, preached, wept, prayed, begged God that the cup be removed, shared bread with a betrayer, accepted His fate.  What a full week He had that encompassed every human emotion, every human fear, every human effort, and I can't help but think His heart overflowed as He dined with His disciples.  All of that...and He still had the energy to suffer for me.  If you haven't read it...it's a great book.

I came across a pin a while back by John Piper that said "When you feel like you can't take it any more, look to Jesus, and take it a little more". And from the Blessed Is She blog, "Good Friday is good because it reminds us that the good is often painful; that God's will for our lives demands that we love until it hurts". 

I have had a busy week banishing bitter-heart demons, apparently...repelling burning bushes, sorting collectibles, accepting the generosity of others, watching my son play baseball, and crying over the love of Jesus.  He died for this - for the plain and ordinary to become extraordinary.  Hosanna!  Hosanna!

Video Warning - I weep uncontrollably at the Passion of our Christ...if you so choose, grab the tissues!

Vul-ner-a-ble

When I shared my testimony and shortly after, my layoff, I was choosing to be vulnerable.  What I have learned since, is that sometimes, vulnerable chooses you.

The job that I was laid off from, held all the benefits:  Health, dental, life, retirement.  My husband's job does not even offer them at this time.  I feel like we are sitting ducks.  We were covered for almost five years, and played baseball all of those five years...but my son waited until this weekend to foul a ball off his face.

It was an at-bat in slow motion, one of those moments where time stands still and one-million thoughts race through your head.  As he dropped to his knees and I heard the moan escape him, that moan that only a momma hears and knows is not of this earth, the thought I settled on was "I don't care if I embarrass him".  I was amazed at how quickly his teammates cleared a path for me!  And I was thankful that only a handful of people heard me say the same bad word three times under my breath as a flew off the bleachers...I love Jesus, but I cuss a little.

One of my friends shared a blog today The Goodness of God and it shares how we want tangible goodness, and sometimes, most of the time, we as humans, can not fathom God's goodness.  Human goodness, is not even close to God goodness.

Well, thanks be to God, we experienced a little tangible goodness in the foul-tipped-curve-ball-to-face incident.  By my side, out of nowhere, was a dentist...and I laughed as he said, well I am not a doctor, I am a dentist, and I hugged him and told him I would take what I could get right now.  He was probably more able than a doctor as he checked my son's eye socket, nose, and jawline for pain and fractures.  I like to envision an angel sticking their hand out over his eye and deflecting the baseball at just the right angle.  Because that is exactly what happened.  The ball hit in just a way that aside from a little swelling and some wicked stitch marks across the side of his nose...no lasting trauma, not even a black eye or visible bruising on his nose.

Vul-ner-a-ble. - Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.  There wasn't a single version of this definition that said the attack was "intentional".  When we sling our weary legs over the bed each morning, we become vulnerable.  When we step up to the plate and life slings every pitch in the playbook at us, we are vulnerable.

I also attended a friend's church this past week to listen to a missionary from Romania speak.  I had attended two years ago with her both locally, and a few weeks later, down the road a ways, so I knew that God would be present and moving in His church.  As the message wound to an end, they invited us to pray with someone from the group.  I reintroduced myself to a lady that we had prayed with a couple of years before and she asked if she could pray with me.  Vulnerable.  Ya'll I had been playing the strong soldier after two weeks with myself and foul-tipped-curve-ball-to-face the day before.  I was spent and this was dangerous territory.

The first thing she said is "you are weary"...cue tears - followed by "God wants you to rest", "there are so many words in your head", "you have grown tired", "return to prayer".  As I let her pray over me and silent tears poured over my cheeks, I felt two hands placed softly on each shoulder, assuming that it was my friend.  As the prayer ended and we hugged and thanked God, I turn to see my daughter sitting by my friend with a tear-streaked face.  I asked her if she prayed with someone and she said softly "I was praying with you".  Vul-ner-a-ble.

My first instinct was to be dismayed that she had heard what I was feeling and witnessed the weariness pour out of me.  But that thought gave way to the knowledge, that sometimes, others have to hear that moan of letting go, meant only for their ears; they have to see the tears that are hiding the goodness that only God can see working.  Next to my wedding day and the birth of each of my kids, I will treasure those soft little hands on my shoulders, praying with me, yearning to see the goodness of God tangible in our lives.

When my son is especially thankful for something, he gives you "the paw".  In thankful gratitude, he lays his hand on your shoulder.  I am so blessed to have God's goodness pour out through the hands of my children.

What strikes me this morning about Vulnerable, is the ending..."able".  The vulnerability is there each waking moment, but with God's help and unseen goodness, we are "able".

Philippians 4:13 I can (Me: Am Able To) do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.  

P.S.  I let me daughter go snowboarding with a friend for Spring Break..for the first time...uninsured.  Lord have mercy!

Does Not Wait Well...

When I sit down to write, I really want encouragement,  upliftedness, and God's promise to shine through.  And in all honesty, some days, that is a little more difficult to pen to words.  I can sit here today and laugh, that last week, I was having a heart struggle on what to share, and then Friday, February 26th came at me and this week has been more mix and match than the last.

I shared my testimony a couple of weeks ago, and I know now, that I needed to do that, if for nothing else, as a reminder of His goodness in my life.  Because as of the 26th, I am walking a new chapter in that testimony.

I can now claim "oil-field casualty" on my resume.  As I left work last Friday at 10:00 am with my final check in my hand, I plopped down into my driver seat and asked "Lord, what in the world are you up to?".  Which also translates into:  What in the actual world just happened?  What does this mean?  Why?  Where are you taking me?  What could possibly be better than what I am being forced away from?  And the bronze plate on my heart that reads "Lacks Patience.  Despises Uncertainty.  Does Not Wait Well".

And here is my upliftedness (yes I made that word up, and no, spellcheck does not like it):  It is going to be okay, deep down in the ocean of my heart, in the river of tears, and the drying of my cheeks...This is going to be so much better than what I could have planned for myself.  And I want you to know that I BELIEVE that with EVERY fiber of my being.  My HOPE and FUTURE is planned by the big man upstairs and we have had many conversations the past seven days.  

Saturday, the 27th's mantra was:

Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10  

Anytime I allowed myself to think past the moment, "be still", was whispered on my heart.  

And moving forward I am  heart engraving Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you, I will up hold you with my righteous right hand.  

Things have been and could be worse.  And I am not going to lie to you or God, I yearn for the day when they are so much better.  However:

1. I survived layoffs about 12 months longer than a multitude of oil-field workers.  

2. My last check will get us by for a few weeks without the urgency and gut instinct to "panic".  

3. I have amazing people in my life, from my immediate family, to bible study friends, to baseball moms, to fabulous former neighbors, my mom, my pastor, my dog.  The timely messages and conversations bring happy salt water to my face.

4. Not sure if this is a joy or irritation - but I have put a bra and makeup on every flippin' day this week.  I have had something to do, to keep my mind busy all week, to get me out of the house every day.  The thrifty me wants to save on make-up and gas and set the captives free, but the "oh, I could totally wallow in this" is so relieved for something to do.

5. I have spoiled my family this week.  I have cooked outside of the same-old, standard, quick go-to's.  I have picked up for lunch, ran errands, and probably been more readily available for them overall.  I guess I will leave it up to God if He wants them to get used to this or not...

5.  There are several unspoken blessings that came from this, if you add me to your prayers, please remember to thank God for these lights in our tunnel.

Our WBS study is on the Fruits of the Spirit this Spring, and God, I know was holding back several giggles Wednesday as He watched us women battle through the lesson on................Patience.  You are hilarious Lord Jesus...

But, oh, I needed to laugh.  I needed to admit that I do not wait well.  I needed to hear, that not many of us do.  I want to, I desire to wait well...God will give you the desires of you heart.  I hope He realizes that I am okay with an apprenticeship, and have no need to be a master!

I love you all.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for being so kind and compassionate when I posted my testimony.  Thank you to all of you who I let in this past week who have offered me your shadow, smiles, and moments out of your day.  

This too shall pass...