Specks on Windshields

Every once in awhile I feel like my life is in neutral, like I am not doing enough, but am not sure what I should be doing, and I find myself getting a little restless.  I have been in one of "those moods" lately and this week has been frustrating.  It is not that things are going bad or anything horrible has happened, things have just been a bit annoying, I want things to be chill, people to be respectful, and life to be low-key and it is not my agenda that is playing out. 

I had to catch up on work from being off for a couple of days, which also put me on a payroll day, which is not my specialty.  A challenging person in our lives, continues to hold up their end of the bargain.  A neighbor dog wandered into our yard at 2:00 in the morning and had a great time barking, pooping, and tracking mud all over the new deck for over two hours.  The city workers decided to use our drive way and side yard to access the alley (because apparently taking 10 seconds to drive around the corner is exhausting), and today after I washed my car, like the very second I pulled away from the dryer, bird poop.  Windshield, dead center, two thirds of the way down.  Well played bird, well played.  And it is July in Oklahoma...hot, humid, hot - like ponytail everyday and boycott pants hot.  Oh, and one of the baseball moms just sent me a pic of her beverage overlooking the lake.  Come on!!

I began praying on Monday, "okay God, I have something to learn here, there is something going on and you are lining up things while I sit her and stew, so let me be ready, let me be willing when the time comes for whatever it may be".  And last night at church our speaker started by asking "what has God done in your life this week?" and when only a few people answered, he asked "did you wake up?", "do you have your health?".  He also ended by saying, there is going to be suffering, God didn't send His Son to die on the cross because it felt good.  There is going to be sacrifice.

I joined a closed Facebook group - a group of writers and bloggers - and an opportunity came about for stories on "Motherhood" for a compilation for an upcoming book to raise money for Mercy House.  And as I followed the posts, I thought, these women are amazing, their stories are triumphant, I can't compete for a spot with all they have to share.  So last week, as the deadline approached, and life got busy, I left the group...and then a few days later, there was a post notification.  Somehow, I was back in the group and there my story lay on my heart, and it was heavy, and 100% from God - pushing me to be courageous and participate.  So last week I submitted my story - I don't know yet if it will be a good fit for their goals, but I do know that it is one of the bravest things I felt I have done in as long as I can remember and even now, I am fighting all the reasons they have to kick it out.  Doubts.  Doubts are like poop on the windshield:  Sometimes out of nowhere and right when you are trying to see where you are going.

Today I am feeling a bit like a Jonah.  How God put something on his heart and Jonah went south after God said go north.  And Jonah couldn't deny that he was the reason the water wasn't so smooth.  And Jonah spent a few days in the whale wondering how long it would be until it was over and then he realized he was to acknowledge God with thanksgiving and to be obedient.  And then that poor whale, the one being obedient to God, had to suffer a little and vomit Jonah back onto the shore.  And Jonah begrudgingly did what he was told, but he didn't like it and had doubts about it.  And he told God as much without holding back.  And God gave him shade to get over "his mood", and then the worm ate it.  And Jonah got a little huffy about it again.  And I think it would be awesome if God said "Seriously Jonah, get it together dude". 

The Message puts it like this in Jonah 4:10-11  God said, “What’s this? How is it that you can change your feelings from pleasure to anger overnight about a mere shade tree that you did nothing to get? You neither planted nor watered it. It grew up one night and died the next night. So, why can’t I likewise change what I feel about Nineveh from anger to pleasure, this big city of more than 120,000 childlike people who don’t yet know right from wrong...?”

Yep.  Jonah.  I am so up and down sometimes (my family might say all the time).  I have so much to be thankful for, yet I wallow in irritation when it finds friends.  An abundance that never even crossed my brain, heart, or soul to be thankful for and God is growing me anyway and providing in ways that I have "neither planted nor watered". 

I am so glad to be frustrated with payroll because it means I have a job to go to.  Operating on four hours of sleep means 1. I am capable, though probably not too terribly delightful and 2. More Coffee!!  Poop on the windshield means I have a car that is running and has a windshield to be pooped on.  Poop away!  And challenging people provide an opportunity to be kind, and to have a conversation with God, even if it is "Oh Dear Sweet Lord, help me out here.  I don't want to make this worse and I sure don't want to go to jail".  And my friend at the lake?  I will deal with her later...

I have no question that submitting my story was first and foremost about being obedient.  Secondly, I think it was about me realizing that I had been placed in this moment to smooth out my doubts.  Submitting something to my "Nineveh" when I wasn't sure it would be embraced with love and kindness (read: fear of rejection).  The lead authors and fellow writers and bloggers have been gracious, excited, and encouraging.  It is going to be a great book...

So as I wind down, I am pouring my doubts a drink, feeling more at peace and not so anxious.  Sometimes it takes a little speck, and ALOT of God, to say:  Get it together dude!  There is plenty of windshield to see out of!