Just a year and three days ago, we said good-bye to my Gram. My husband and I were talking about where we were this time last year in regards to our kid's basketball and wrestling schedules...and I asked him "where was I, I don't remember that?". And then I said, this was the week of the service, of saying "see you again someday", of penning words that would rejoice in a life lived.
Speaking at her funeral was, is, and will remain one of the highest pressures and biggest honors of my life. A year ago "this" became a word that would bring great clarity to my life. A word that was just a word, until God spoke it on my heart, and commands it to this day when I most need it.
As I got in my car and drove the hour and a half drive to the hospital, praying, preparing for a move to hospice care, "this" verse came to me loud and clear. And I scrambled, while driving, to pull my journal and a pen out of my purse. I opened up my notebook to then next clean page, and with one hand on the wheel, and the other on my ink pen, I wrote: THIS is my day, no matter what happens, your gram is my child, THIS day is mine. Psalm 118:24 - This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.
I had bought a book in the hospital gift shop at the beginning of "this" the last week of her time here on earth. And as I turned the page that Saturday after writing and driving and saying good-bye...THIS was the verse, Psalm 118:24. I kid you not, you can come to my house and see what I wrote, my notes, the dates, the scripture. He speaks to us when we don't even realize we need speaking to...
This past September as we approached my mom's first birthday without her mom, it was weighing on me as I walked into a local shop to look for a gift. And as I turned the first corner, I spot this canvas with Psalm 118:24 on it and with a lump in my throat and tears flooding my eyes I knew that THIS was the gift. I had to give it to my mom one-on-one because it was something I couldn't give without crying. Good tears that knew THIS was a sign and gift not only from me, but from God and Gram as well.
And as I opened my birthday card from mom in November...THIS notepad fell out with Psalm 118:24 at the bottom.
And as I struggled to find something to share with you THIS week (because I put immense pressure on myself to be profound, inspiring, and beautiful), THIS verse comes across one of my blogs that I read each morning: www.dailyjot.com - and he tells of THIS verse keeping his wife going in the midst of illness.
To me THIS has become a word that describes a descriptive, unwavering, comforting call to be in the moment and the path to choose:
THIS day - Psalm 118:24
Not of THIS world - John 18:36
THIS place of undeserved privilege - Romans 5:2
The Lord gave me THIS message - Jeremiah 1:4
THIS is the first and greatest commandment - Matthew 22:38
He brought us to THIS place - Deuteronomy 26:9
See THIS pile of stones - Genesis 31:51
Because of THIS oath - Hebrews 7:22
Stand near me on THIS rock - Exodus 18:17
THIS is my son, my Chosen One, Listen to Him - Luke 9:35
and many more...just type THIS into your bible search engine...
A year ago THIS became a word that stops me in my tracks, makes my skin tingle, and calls me to attention. When God breathes THIS into my day, He is telling me, there is no other option, there is no other perspective, that His will lies in THIS reality...these are the facts.
THIS past year has been one of new courage for me. I spoke at my gram's funeral, I began to "Fill the Pulpit" (preach is a heavy word for me) at church, I began a blog, I wrote an essay for a book, I took on a leadership role at the State level for one of my groups. I am stepping out in faith because THIS is what God calls me, all of us to do. To rely on His bravery, His words, His will...
He's totally got THIS!
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
The Fresh Tiles of a New Year
Ahhhhh...the dawn of a new year. Three-hundred and sixty-five clean tiles on which we pursue lofty goals, ambitions, and all things good. Or if you are me, the first five or so tiles are fairly immaculate and then there is some smudging on the next few, then possibly or possibly not, some may appear to have been forcefully smashed against the concrete, staring up at me, reminding me my resolve tends to shatter just as easily.
Last year I did the one word approach. Presence. I went into the year making the effort to slow down and experience God's Presence in the moments that presented themselves. And I can pat myself on the back January - March, but I am pretty sure in July I had an "oh, yeah, I was supposed to be practicing His Presence" revelation. And rarely do we start back up where we left off, oh no, just table that for the next Monday, or after then next big event, or the next New Year.
And because I am no quitter, I am going to give some things a good old fashioned go-of-it for 2016.
The words that have been painting my tiles this first week of newness are: Seek. Discern. Intentional. And it is much easier to pick (and fail or not fail) one word, but as hard as I have tried, I can not find a way to separate these three.
If I am to seek God in my situations, I have to be able to discern that wherever I find myself, it is of His doing. And I have to be very intentional about what feelings, words, and actions follow.
If I am to seek new opportunities for myself, I have to discern if I will be able to shine God's light through the situation. And I have to be intentional about staying the course.
If I am to seek rest and restoration for my soul, I have to discern who and what that entails. And I have to be intentional about presenting this gift to myself.
God has already highlighted some things for me to work on. Yesterday was one of those days where across four different devotionals, randomly started, in no way connected...three of them had the same theme working on my heart - God's work in us takes time, and sometimes lots of it.
We have all these plans for the next 365 days, which in itself is ironic, because we are not in control. However, God knows are innermost heart, and He places the intention there. But instead of 365 days, guess what...He might say...40 years my friend...take a walk through this dessert I created...learn to rely on Me...then, if you are still concerned, we can talk about your plans.
I can affirm that a little over 4 years ago when I realized what it truly meant to have a relationship with God, I was not ready 5 days later to go out and conquer the world for Jesus. I could not have handled that scrutiny. Today I find myself a little stronger, but still full of sin and weakness on a daily basis. I have a mosaic of broken tiles as my shield. As I read yesterday, I had to acknowledge, that He may indeed mold me for another 40 years, before my "big" discipleship moment.
I read an inspiration the other day that said "Live each moment like you chose it". When I shared this with my husband the other day, he said "um, but I didn't choose it". And it is tough, because a lot of times, that is the case. But if we can switch the lever and discern where we find ourselves as if it was by choice, we can be more intentional about how we proceed while we seek whatever-in-the-wide-world-of-sports it is that we are seeking. So instead of bemoaning adversity, we can say "here I am, how do I want this to end, and how does God want this to end?". If we bring God along, the answer will always be gently, with kindness and love.
Seek, discern, be intentional. Your path is your own to grout...one beautiful, albeit sometimes broken/shattered, tile at a time. May you have a Fulfilling 2016!
Last year I did the one word approach. Presence. I went into the year making the effort to slow down and experience God's Presence in the moments that presented themselves. And I can pat myself on the back January - March, but I am pretty sure in July I had an "oh, yeah, I was supposed to be practicing His Presence" revelation. And rarely do we start back up where we left off, oh no, just table that for the next Monday, or after then next big event, or the next New Year.
And because I am no quitter, I am going to give some things a good old fashioned go-of-it for 2016.
The words that have been painting my tiles this first week of newness are: Seek. Discern. Intentional. And it is much easier to pick (and fail or not fail) one word, but as hard as I have tried, I can not find a way to separate these three.
If I am to seek God in my situations, I have to be able to discern that wherever I find myself, it is of His doing. And I have to be very intentional about what feelings, words, and actions follow.
If I am to seek new opportunities for myself, I have to discern if I will be able to shine God's light through the situation. And I have to be intentional about staying the course.
If I am to seek rest and restoration for my soul, I have to discern who and what that entails. And I have to be intentional about presenting this gift to myself.
God has already highlighted some things for me to work on. Yesterday was one of those days where across four different devotionals, randomly started, in no way connected...three of them had the same theme working on my heart - God's work in us takes time, and sometimes lots of it.
We have all these plans for the next 365 days, which in itself is ironic, because we are not in control. However, God knows are innermost heart, and He places the intention there. But instead of 365 days, guess what...He might say...40 years my friend...take a walk through this dessert I created...learn to rely on Me...then, if you are still concerned, we can talk about your plans.
I can affirm that a little over 4 years ago when I realized what it truly meant to have a relationship with God, I was not ready 5 days later to go out and conquer the world for Jesus. I could not have handled that scrutiny. Today I find myself a little stronger, but still full of sin and weakness on a daily basis. I have a mosaic of broken tiles as my shield. As I read yesterday, I had to acknowledge, that He may indeed mold me for another 40 years, before my "big" discipleship moment.
I read an inspiration the other day that said "Live each moment like you chose it". When I shared this with my husband the other day, he said "um, but I didn't choose it". And it is tough, because a lot of times, that is the case. But if we can switch the lever and discern where we find ourselves as if it was by choice, we can be more intentional about how we proceed while we seek whatever-in-the-wide-world-of-sports it is that we are seeking. So instead of bemoaning adversity, we can say "here I am, how do I want this to end, and how does God want this to end?". If we bring God along, the answer will always be gently, with kindness and love.
Seek, discern, be intentional. Your path is your own to grout...one beautiful, albeit sometimes broken/shattered, tile at a time. May you have a Fulfilling 2016!
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
A Song to Recall My Memory
There is a new song out by Group 1 Crew called "Wake Me Up (Amnesia)". And not only is this song catchy, for me, it is like sticking my nose against a mirror. I am somewhat concerned that the band stalks me because this song was written about me, to me, for me...
I am going to be honest with y'all...when I am frustrated, grieving, plotting someone's demise...when I am in the heat of the moment...I totally forget what I am supposed to be doing. And I know that God has His megaphone out when "Wake Me Up" comes on EVERY TIME I get in the car. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Wake up indeed...
I shut down when I am frustrated and go over scenarios in my head debating how to handle the situation. I was told I appear rude...and I am sure I do...but I would rather appear rude, than open my mouth and totally confirm it. I need time to cool my jets. I also clean house when I am at a stalemate with myself, so if I appear rude, you may want to hire me to brighten your homestead. When the Swiffer comes out, my family knows to stear clear, even the dog...
And I prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more. And when I was spent, I went to the Lord's Prayer and I had the BEST night's sleep that I have had in quite some time. And God showed me a picture of my sorority sister and co-survivor of college physics at her 13 year old son's grave. And my problem didn't seem quite so big. And I got a text saying my sister-in-law's 19 year old brother had been in an accident and was called to rest in his forever home. And my problem didn't seem quite so big.
And I wake up. Because my amnesia clouds my current ability to remember that God is good and He is in control. He counts our tears. And yesterday, as my family laughed and giggled and ate cookie dough in the kitchen, He reminded me that He works ALL things for His good. He reminded me that He brings my family closer and makes us stronger with each adverse situation. He reminded me that life is so short and at the same time so much bigger than our current moment. And He restored my peace.
My husband is the only thing that has survived my high-school goals. And so for each of my children, this is but a moment. A life lesson, an opportunity to test abilities, a chance to be molded and strengthened either in response to, or in spite of others. Kids are way more resilient than adults, I have had 40 years to perfect holding a grudge and have had several moments where me and my friend Windex burned some calories.
Today was my daughters half-birthday and I took her this morning to get her learner's permit to drive and a Starbucks to celebrate the unbirthday. She took over the wheel and got us back to the school parking lot all in one piece, although my hands are sore from gripping the seat. As she bounded into school and I headed to work, the DJ on theHouseFM spoke to my heart.
She said REMEMBER when you were little and your parents would drop you off at your grandparents or a birthday party? And she asked "what would they say as you got out of the car?". Be good. Because sometimes we get caught up in the moment and sometimes we just forget how to act. As children of God we need to be reminded from time to time to be the good.
To REMEMBER all that He has blessed us with and that He is who we need to turn to in times of amnesia.
1 Thessalonians 1:3 Remember without ceasing your work of faith, and labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ...
REMEMBER that He sent His son to walk with us. He understands humaning is way hard sometimes. Jesus was constantly teaching us to love beyond ourselves and turned over tables in the temple because humans are good at making a mockery of things and forgeting what He came for. People, we are messy and absent-minded and I am sure I get it wrong a lot more than I get it right most weeks.
Christmas is God's gift of sacrifice. A "Wake-Up" to the world to be reconciled. A megaphone in a manger calling us to remember how much He is needed in our world, so small and at the same time, so incredibly consuming...
Won't you wake me up when my faith is asleep; You never let me go, bring back my memory. You bring these fools to love when you breathe into me. Remind me how much I need ya, when I get amnesia. Wake Me Up.It also says "I forget the things that I should do, and do the things I shouldn't" and asks "who will I choose? Me or You?".
I am going to be honest with y'all...when I am frustrated, grieving, plotting someone's demise...when I am in the heat of the moment...I totally forget what I am supposed to be doing. And I know that God has His megaphone out when "Wake Me Up" comes on EVERY TIME I get in the car. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Wake up indeed...
I shut down when I am frustrated and go over scenarios in my head debating how to handle the situation. I was told I appear rude...and I am sure I do...but I would rather appear rude, than open my mouth and totally confirm it. I need time to cool my jets. I also clean house when I am at a stalemate with myself, so if I appear rude, you may want to hire me to brighten your homestead. When the Swiffer comes out, my family knows to stear clear, even the dog...
And I prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more. And when I was spent, I went to the Lord's Prayer and I had the BEST night's sleep that I have had in quite some time. And God showed me a picture of my sorority sister and co-survivor of college physics at her 13 year old son's grave. And my problem didn't seem quite so big. And I got a text saying my sister-in-law's 19 year old brother had been in an accident and was called to rest in his forever home. And my problem didn't seem quite so big.
And I wake up. Because my amnesia clouds my current ability to remember that God is good and He is in control. He counts our tears. And yesterday, as my family laughed and giggled and ate cookie dough in the kitchen, He reminded me that He works ALL things for His good. He reminded me that He brings my family closer and makes us stronger with each adverse situation. He reminded me that life is so short and at the same time so much bigger than our current moment. And He restored my peace.
My husband is the only thing that has survived my high-school goals. And so for each of my children, this is but a moment. A life lesson, an opportunity to test abilities, a chance to be molded and strengthened either in response to, or in spite of others. Kids are way more resilient than adults, I have had 40 years to perfect holding a grudge and have had several moments where me and my friend Windex burned some calories.
Today was my daughters half-birthday and I took her this morning to get her learner's permit to drive and a Starbucks to celebrate the unbirthday. She took over the wheel and got us back to the school parking lot all in one piece, although my hands are sore from gripping the seat. As she bounded into school and I headed to work, the DJ on theHouseFM spoke to my heart.
She said REMEMBER when you were little and your parents would drop you off at your grandparents or a birthday party? And she asked "what would they say as you got out of the car?". Be good. Because sometimes we get caught up in the moment and sometimes we just forget how to act. As children of God we need to be reminded from time to time to be the good.
To REMEMBER all that He has blessed us with and that He is who we need to turn to in times of amnesia.
1 Thessalonians 1:3 Remember without ceasing your work of faith, and labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ...
REMEMBER that He sent His son to walk with us. He understands humaning is way hard sometimes. Jesus was constantly teaching us to love beyond ourselves and turned over tables in the temple because humans are good at making a mockery of things and forgeting what He came for. People, we are messy and absent-minded and I am sure I get it wrong a lot more than I get it right most weeks.
Christmas is God's gift of sacrifice. A "Wake-Up" to the world to be reconciled. A megaphone in a manger calling us to remember how much He is needed in our world, so small and at the same time, so incredibly consuming...
Thursday, December 3, 2015
'Tis the Season of Self-Control
My daughter made our family's first round of (people) puppy chow this past Sunday, before December ever even rolled over on the calendar. Monday night she was applying some serious peer-pressure for me to have a handful. I have been living low-carb since before Halloween, so I kindly explained to her that I am weak in the area of self-control with yummy things and one harmless bite would turn into me finishing off the container...which is quite large. She replied "that is some serious self-control to not even have a bite".
I was happy to have the distraction of teaching her to make the (people) puppy chow that afternoon, because I was in the middle of some self-imposed stewing. Someone from our church had responded, in what "I" perceived, rather rudely to something that was meant for the good of all, not just our church. And it took me the better part of the day to calm down. It took a tremendous amount of self-control to not tell them my current perception of their actions.
Tuesday night, as I was ending my voluntary shift in the basketball concession, I had someone start in on me about all the things they didn't agree with. It probably wasn't the kindest gesture, but my facial expression was a wide-eyed are you serious? and my arms went up in the air and I walked off. My physical ability to bite my tongue is getting better, but the thumping pressure of blood coursing through my body is contending for top speed on Fast and Furious.
And it is only December 3rd.
This month is the month of self-control. We have to keep ourselves in check and control:
How much we indulge our appetite at the numerous Open Houses and Holiday Parties.
How much we spend on gifts.
How many gifts.
How full we fill our calendars.
The choice to attend church functions over sleeping-in or running errands.
If we have that extra glass of wine.
If we allow ourselves to get overwhelmed by all there is to do before the 25th.
If we show kindness (or at least the ability to be quiet...maybe not use our arms as we walk away).
If we slow down enough to realize that we are blessed and maybe there is something we can do for someone whose current situation isn't as comfortable as our own.
How many cookies we have.
How much puppy-chow we eat.
How many times we forgive others who are just as wound up by the season and things not going their way.
The season is in our hands. And I am preaching to myself here...the season should be in our hearts. Preach. On. It should be about Celebrating the birth of a savior. Savior. Sent to Save. We sang a song last night by 4Him "A Strange Way to Save the World". And so He did...
This should be the time of year that we are moved to extend grace, love, compassion, mercy, and the message of Hope. Yet we are more concerned over wrappings, shiny things, merlot, eggnog, proper verbage, and the next batch of perfectly decorated sugar cookies. Just typing all that makes my ears warm and so nervous I have to go pee.
2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.
The power to choose our words. To power to search our heart for what is kind, true, and necessary.
Love. "Love Came Down at Christmas" is one of my favorite hymns. A Savior. Meant for good, and somewhere along the journey, the world krept in, and well...now we have to have self-control.
Self-discipline. It is an art I tell ya. Jesus saves...but His people, including myself, well...we make it all a little messy. Thanks a lot Eve...
The good news is, that if you woke up this morning, He is giving you another chance to give it a go. To lean on His Power to brighten your month, to wrap His Love around you like a fuzzy blanket, and to rely on His Self-Control (remember He was tempted too) to fill our stockings to the end of earth.
Change is hard. Changing our mindset to what the season is really about is hard. It goes against every breeze that hits us when we step out our front door. It goes against every TV commercial, holiday flyer, and community comparison.
Change takes self-control, love, and power - all are freely given by a Savior, born in a manger, wrapped in sack cloth.
"Love Came Down at Christmas" by one of my favorite Christian Bands - Jars of Clay
"A Strange Way to Save the World" perfomed by Rascal Flatts (Beautiful!!)
Friday, November 20, 2015
Thankful (Part 3) - Never Alone
I am thankful for my family. I know you all have been waiting for that chiche to rear its thankful head and so today, I give you family...and a little bit more.
This is a version of one of my favorite sayings. And this is 100% my family. I love low maintenance, I love that we can not talk for weeks or months, but when we do...it is like we have been hanging out on the front porch every night. I love that we all know the other all is crazy busy living their crazy blessed life and we do not hold it against them one iota.
I love that when we talk, the depth of our conversation is several layers deep because we don't really have time to talk about what we had for dinner, the weather, or the current state of our excretory system. We talk because we need to express that we LOVE each other with the complete insanity that runs through each generation. We share because the void of time, no matter how brief or extended, has nothing on the current moment.
I have several different branches in my life that I would totally include on my family tree.
One of those branches is my high school friends. We met over a year ago for our 20th High School Reunion...I know right! Feels like yesterday and we all don't look a day over a 5 year reunion. And I don't talk to them that frequently, and see them even less. But I LOVE them and I am so very proud of each one of them for their beautiful families, and their happiness, and their adaptablity, and for just simply making it this far, because, I dare say I am not alone in "adulting is way harder than I thought it would be". What we share over Facebook messages is etched on my heart, because we are sharing life, and aging, and funnies, and a little bit of thanks that although far apart, we are not alone.
I have another branch that extends in a crazy direction that includes my college experiences through PLC, Sigma Kappa, and all the other interactions that stemmed off of those two families. I still keep in touch with several ladies and gents and you want to talk about inspiring! Civic leader, preachers, teachers, special-needs parents, newscasters, peace-corp, doctorates, and lawyers...there are some serious stories of tragedy, triumph, hope, grace, divorce, loss, gain, perseverence, contentment...so proud to say I served and lived alongside of them for a moment.
Some of the thickest branches include our baseball families. We always come out of the season (aside from one bad choice - mistakes happen) closer to most of the families that we spend 5+ months with. Some have even visited us in our modest little town and they still LOVE us! We have shared car rides, vacations, hotel rooms, sunflower seeds, beers, salsa (no double dipping of course), tears, laughter, resources, bats, umbrellas, blankets, high-fives...and some remain our sturdiest branches today. Because of them I know the power of a jelly fish, can talk boy puberty without blushing, have tried every flavor of sunflower seed known to man, and through them, I have learned that we can be randomly united for the love of the game.
I am thankful for the beautifully painted branch that is my women's bible study group. Over the past four years we have read, prayed, welcomed, and grown together. I feel we are at a point where God is calling us to go deeper and leave the comfort zone behind...I don't know what that looks like, or what that means, but I firmly know that we do not walk it alone.
I am thankful for the branch that contains my two-favorite bloggers and workers for Christ.
(1) Kristen Welch founded Mercy House and her Blog "We Are That Family" constantly reminds me that at times we all yell at our kids, can't afford to give them everything, want to save the world, struggle with ebbs and flows in relationships, women should support women, and in the end, we can only do so much. (The Mom Quilt supports Mercy House and contains an essay by me!). (2) Jen Hatmaker is who I would stalk if I was that kind of person. If you have not read Interupted, 7: A Mutiny Against Excess, or For the Love - well your tree is not being watered abundantly. She reminds us that leggings are not pants, that 40 is freeing, that you really can wear the same 7 pieces of clothing for one month and live to tell about it, and that humaning is hard work. BOTH of these ladies write about how many of us HAVE BEEN BLESSED ABUNDANTLY...and ask "what are you going to do about it?".
And without giving you a mini-sermon here...I am thankful for the roots and vine that have established the encompassing knowledge that I am never alone when I allow my day to begin with Christ. I rarely talk to myself anymore, but I found myself talking to Him alot. I always believed in God, but until four years ago, I never realized what it meant to have a relationship with God. To realize that He has been chasing me, protecting me, redirecting me...my whole life.
Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. John 16:32
We are all scattered in different locations, different stages of life, different teams, long and short moments. But the Father is with each and every one of us -whether you are ready to acknowledge that relationship or not...He ain't goin' nowhere!
As we enter this time of Thanks-Giving, no matter what family branch you are with, or how many branches you have to visit over the course of the next week, or what branches may hit you as your crazy busy life goes cruzing by...Stop and take in all the many branches you have been blessed with and let your life be watered with the fact that you are never truly alone.
**The following link is to my Pinterest Board that contains many things that I am thankful someone said, because it helps remind me that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings...maybe you can relate to a few and can feel that same comfort of a kindred soul swinging from their tree:
"A Little Bit Me"Thursday, November 12, 2015
Thankful (Part 2) - Dear Journey of My 30's
In a short 10.5 days, I will enter a new decade. I have never been one of "those people" who enters the next year with apprehension, regret, or dread. I have also never been one to make a big deal about the approaching day of birth or turn the whole month of November into "all about me". Not my style. It is another day on the calendar and as mine usually lands the same week as Thanksgiving, it has a tendency to be overshadowed by turkey, family, all things pumpkin, and here-is-a-Christmas-decoration-for-your-birthday-gift.
Whatever the degree to which I downplay the next year of life, inside I am so thankful for all of it's crazy imprints on the first 4 decades of love, lessons, and celebrations. I am extremely thankful to be bidding my 30's a quasi-fond farewell...
To this woman who has lived through her thirties and survived to tell about it:
You will enter your thirties with a near-death experience. Seriously. Your thirtieth birthday was a blast, dinner on the canal and an OKC Hornets game with your soul mate. Now I don't know if it was the fact that you were 115 lbs, low-carbing, and teaching indoor-cycling four days a week, but the wine at dinner and cosmos at the piano bar after the game did you in...You will pass out in the shower the next morning and then hop in the car for an hour and half drive to Thanksgiving dinner with your family. Cheers to you 30! The good news here is that you will not overdo it again for at least ten years and counting...
In the few months following entry into your thirtieth decade, you will be faced with unemployment and the diagnosis of cancer in your very own momma. January and February will be very dark months for you, but you will be supported in ways you never imagined by people you never would have thought. And you will begin to say good-bye. Good-bye to your college town (Go Bronchos!), your home for the past 12 years, the birth town of your babies, neighbors and friends in the same stage of life as you, your sanity, vodka (allergic), 115 lbs (never to be seen again), 10:00 pm trips to Target (it really is for the best), early morning runs, and a wee-bit of selfishness (though this will be a humbling process that comes to a head at 36).
As you approach 31, you will find yourself in a a new-to-you small town just 8 miles from where you "grew up" as a youth. You will have lived with your parents for a couple of months while waiting to close on a house. You will have moved into that new house and cried many tears as you cleaned up years of dust and grime in every crevice of your new project. Your daughter adjusts wonderfully to her new school and finds a new friend that reminds you exactly of the little friend she left in Edmond. Your son will have a harder time and it will take a lot of prayers and patience to walk this experience with him. Small town life is extremely different from the life you were accustomed to. It is best to keep these observations to yourself as you will soon learn...everyone is related and you are not from here.
You will find yourself trying out a few different career paths in your thirties. Trying to figure out who you are, where you fit in, and the best was to contribute to your family and soul. You are ever the trusting being and you will be deeply wounded by friends, board members, church family...this is not their fault. You are trying to be something you are not yet ready for and relying on people and things that are not capable of meeting the same expectations you set for yourself. You need to chill out and I hate to say it, but it will be one of the hardest processes I feel you will ever go through.
You will trust someone to have your families best interest in mind. You will enter into a partnership and find yourself owning a store. You will continue trying to be all things to all people and your perfectionism disorder will cause you a great deal of stress. You will be attacked by people you don't even know. You will have your income stolen and broken by a few kids up to no good. And you will have to let go. Let go of plans, a home, dignity, pride, "friends", gossip, perfectionism, control, reputation, effort, facades, self...
It is here that after 36 long years...you find a relationship with God. Not a church, a sermon, or simply a belief in God...but you will find Him. He will begin to reveal Himself to you in powerful ways and the light at the end of your dark tunnel will begin to be blinding. You will discover new gratitude for your marriage and your little family of four. The people that you have have always tried to be there for, will begin to be there for you. You will realize that the violent way that everything was taken from you can only mean that you are NOT in control - this is the most freeing revelation - hold onto it with all your strength and bring it to mind when things get low from time-to-time, because they will.
Your circle has gotten much smaller as you approach 40, but the quality of those involved in your life has increased ten-fold. You are a work-in-progress that does your best to capture every thought and word and examine it for its potential goodness in the world. You have learned to say NO - and I am so very proud of you. The world did not end with those two letters flowing off your tongue. Own that word with compassion and kindness. While the process of the past four years has been humbling and blessed, sometimes lonely, it has brought you to so many illuminated places internally...focus on the good in you and in the world. Keep writing, keep loving, keep forgiving, keep talking to God.
My wish for you is that you approach the next 10 years with a minimalist mindset. Downsizing all the "things" in your life that you do not find lovely or that do not bring you joy. If it clutters your closet or mind, donate it to the world and move on. Pull those BandAids off and share your scars with the world. Turn them into a kickin' tattoo that allows you to witness to the world the work of God's grace and mercy in your life. Let your mantra be:
Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
Yes dearest thirties, I learned a lot from you. I got back to high-school skinny twice - then I remembered that I really like cheesecake and carbs. I approached you with my whole life planned and I am leaving you living day-by-precious-day. I entered you with a 5 year-old and a 3 year-old. I am taking a 15 and 13 year-old into my 40's and I never imagined that I could love two people more. At thirty, I had been married, like-forever and 10 years...but at forty, it will be 20 years and all I hope for is more and more time with my heart, my best-friend.
Good-bye to you 30's. You have given me a lifetime of lessons in your ten years with me. The foundation I enter 40 with is several layers more solid and because I hold no expectations...it is way more exciting to approach. I am thankful for you, but please know, that I will not miss you.
My Best Regards,
Your 39 year, 354.5 Day Old Thankful Friend
Whatever the degree to which I downplay the next year of life, inside I am so thankful for all of it's crazy imprints on the first 4 decades of love, lessons, and celebrations. I am extremely thankful to be bidding my 30's a quasi-fond farewell...
http://www.welcome-home-blog.net/2013/06/there-is-story-they-tell-of-two-dogs.html
To this woman who has lived through her thirties and survived to tell about it:
You will enter your thirties with a near-death experience. Seriously. Your thirtieth birthday was a blast, dinner on the canal and an OKC Hornets game with your soul mate. Now I don't know if it was the fact that you were 115 lbs, low-carbing, and teaching indoor-cycling four days a week, but the wine at dinner and cosmos at the piano bar after the game did you in...You will pass out in the shower the next morning and then hop in the car for an hour and half drive to Thanksgiving dinner with your family. Cheers to you 30! The good news here is that you will not overdo it again for at least ten years and counting...
In the few months following entry into your thirtieth decade, you will be faced with unemployment and the diagnosis of cancer in your very own momma. January and February will be very dark months for you, but you will be supported in ways you never imagined by people you never would have thought. And you will begin to say good-bye. Good-bye to your college town (Go Bronchos!), your home for the past 12 years, the birth town of your babies, neighbors and friends in the same stage of life as you, your sanity, vodka (allergic), 115 lbs (never to be seen again), 10:00 pm trips to Target (it really is for the best), early morning runs, and a wee-bit of selfishness (though this will be a humbling process that comes to a head at 36).
As you approach 31, you will find yourself in a a new-to-you small town just 8 miles from where you "grew up" as a youth. You will have lived with your parents for a couple of months while waiting to close on a house. You will have moved into that new house and cried many tears as you cleaned up years of dust and grime in every crevice of your new project. Your daughter adjusts wonderfully to her new school and finds a new friend that reminds you exactly of the little friend she left in Edmond. Your son will have a harder time and it will take a lot of prayers and patience to walk this experience with him. Small town life is extremely different from the life you were accustomed to. It is best to keep these observations to yourself as you will soon learn...everyone is related and you are not from here.
You will find yourself trying out a few different career paths in your thirties. Trying to figure out who you are, where you fit in, and the best was to contribute to your family and soul. You are ever the trusting being and you will be deeply wounded by friends, board members, church family...this is not their fault. You are trying to be something you are not yet ready for and relying on people and things that are not capable of meeting the same expectations you set for yourself. You need to chill out and I hate to say it, but it will be one of the hardest processes I feel you will ever go through.
You will trust someone to have your families best interest in mind. You will enter into a partnership and find yourself owning a store. You will continue trying to be all things to all people and your perfectionism disorder will cause you a great deal of stress. You will be attacked by people you don't even know. You will have your income stolen and broken by a few kids up to no good. And you will have to let go. Let go of plans, a home, dignity, pride, "friends", gossip, perfectionism, control, reputation, effort, facades, self...
It is here that after 36 long years...you find a relationship with God. Not a church, a sermon, or simply a belief in God...but you will find Him. He will begin to reveal Himself to you in powerful ways and the light at the end of your dark tunnel will begin to be blinding. You will discover new gratitude for your marriage and your little family of four. The people that you have have always tried to be there for, will begin to be there for you. You will realize that the violent way that everything was taken from you can only mean that you are NOT in control - this is the most freeing revelation - hold onto it with all your strength and bring it to mind when things get low from time-to-time, because they will.
Your circle has gotten much smaller as you approach 40, but the quality of those involved in your life has increased ten-fold. You are a work-in-progress that does your best to capture every thought and word and examine it for its potential goodness in the world. You have learned to say NO - and I am so very proud of you. The world did not end with those two letters flowing off your tongue. Own that word with compassion and kindness. While the process of the past four years has been humbling and blessed, sometimes lonely, it has brought you to so many illuminated places internally...focus on the good in you and in the world. Keep writing, keep loving, keep forgiving, keep talking to God.
My wish for you is that you approach the next 10 years with a minimalist mindset. Downsizing all the "things" in your life that you do not find lovely or that do not bring you joy. If it clutters your closet or mind, donate it to the world and move on. Pull those BandAids off and share your scars with the world. Turn them into a kickin' tattoo that allows you to witness to the world the work of God's grace and mercy in your life. Let your mantra be:
Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
Yes dearest thirties, I learned a lot from you. I got back to high-school skinny twice - then I remembered that I really like cheesecake and carbs. I approached you with my whole life planned and I am leaving you living day-by-precious-day. I entered you with a 5 year-old and a 3 year-old. I am taking a 15 and 13 year-old into my 40's and I never imagined that I could love two people more. At thirty, I had been married, like-forever and 10 years...but at forty, it will be 20 years and all I hope for is more and more time with my heart, my best-friend.
Good-bye to you 30's. You have given me a lifetime of lessons in your ten years with me. The foundation I enter 40 with is several layers more solid and because I hold no expectations...it is way more exciting to approach. I am thankful for you, but please know, that I will not miss you.
My Best Regards,
Your 39 year, 354.5 Day Old Thankful Friend
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Thankful (Part 1) - Yep I'm Going There
Home...
When you look up the definition of home, you will find several options to choose from: a place of residence; the social unit formed by a family of individuals living together; a familiar setting; a place of origin; a residence providing care for people with special needs; and the object of victory in certain games.
If you would have asked me about nine years ago what a home was, I would have given you the "place of residence", and I would dare say, the most common and expected answer. But almost four years ago to the day, we were forced into bankruptcy and reluctantly, but eventually willingly, conceded our "home".
As I sit here and think about all the structures I have resided in, I am pretty positive I have the majority of them covered: Trailer parks (many), house in the country, childhood home, college dorm, sorority house, 3-bedroom apartment, 700 sq' duplex, big city first-time home buyer new construction, larger second home in the "country" on an acre with some of the best neighbors evvaaah..., small town 3400 sq' 100-year home dream project (going into it), fear of being homeless/living in parents basement, and currently...1100 sq' of 100-year old 'cozy'.
To look at that previous paragraph, it is completely humbling on many levels. My first thought is that is all so temporary...just a place...a blessed place of shelter until the next piece of the puzzle is put into place. Second thought, is that God has always provided for me. I have always had a roof over my head, it may not be the roof I have always dreamed of, but it has always simply been. And third, with many shelters in the U.S. overflowing there are people in this world that may only have one or two of those structures on their list and one of those might be the shelter or in third-world countries it might be a box...
As discussion after the second break-in to our store began and we approached the cliff on the tiptoes of bankruptcy, my husband and I were on opposite ends of what to do with our "home". After all, the house is what drew us to the small town, sealed the deal. This neglected old home with red-oak woodwork and old stone fireplace and the opportunity to restore it into all the beauty we saw it could be under the layers of green shag carpet, one-inch of dust, and foam ceiling tiles. And we did what we could, and it was beautiful. And it was our sweat, tears, smashed thumbs, curse words, and satisfaction in the final product. And....it was hard to let go.
But in the end it was just a place. A place that housed "things" that we had collected over the years. A place that housed memories, yes...but those memories transfer with us, they are not fixed. A place that had felt much of our sadness and witnessed some ugly discussions as we absorbed the tragedy of losing it all. The people within the house mattered....the memories of 16 years of marriage being packed into boxes mattered...the hope that God would use it for His good somehow...mattered.
Let me tell you something about the little "home" we are in now...it needs a lot of work...just like us. I have no doubt that God looks down on us and dreams of all the updates He would like to make on our hearts. If we would only invest in bettering ourselves one tile at a time, as we dream of doing to the kitchen backsplash. My bathroom is holding on to 1960's salmon tile and a matching sink...what am I holding onto from the past that needs to be left in the past? And the east and south side of the house still has the original windows and screens, and while full of character, they lack efficiency...sometimes I am full of personality, but am I really using that to make others around me the best they can be?
The greatest thing (and sometimes the worst) is that we are always together. Someone might be watching TV in the living area, while one is at the desk on the computer, and someone else is coloring in their new journaling Bible at the table. We are in the same 250 sq' every night and it is awesome. If someone gets up and goes to sit on the back deck with the hound dog, the other three usually aren't far behind...that my friends...is home.
Home is my son begging his dad to start the charcoal on the grill, home is that we can hear someone singing in the salmon shower in the short distance to the living room, home is everyone holding their nose because someone tooted on the couch under their blanket, home is everyone of us talking baby-talk to our basset hound when we go to the back door, home is my daughter's addiction to baking, home is coloring for six hours last Saturday in our Bibles together, home is knucks at bedtime, home is shoes that have had feet in them lying on top of folded sweaters in my small closet, home is my grandma's bowling pins in a frame behind the couch, home is a cold beer and fire pit. Anyhow...that is how I see home.
2 Corinthians 9:11 is part of the section on the 'Cheerful Giver' and Paul says: "You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce Thanksgiving to God."
My small house has enriched me. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head that happens to be new. I am thankful that it only takes me an hour tops to clean it ceiling to floor...not that that always happens, but in theory it is pretty spectacular. I do my best to be generous when I can to others going through a drought in life...I have been there, I have made it through...thanks be to God.
I have learned that it is not the shell that surrounds me while I sleep, but the beings that inhabit the innermost parts of my heart while I rest...that is home.
When you look up the definition of home, you will find several options to choose from: a place of residence; the social unit formed by a family of individuals living together; a familiar setting; a place of origin; a residence providing care for people with special needs; and the object of victory in certain games.
If you would have asked me about nine years ago what a home was, I would have given you the "place of residence", and I would dare say, the most common and expected answer. But almost four years ago to the day, we were forced into bankruptcy and reluctantly, but eventually willingly, conceded our "home".
As I sit here and think about all the structures I have resided in, I am pretty positive I have the majority of them covered: Trailer parks (many), house in the country, childhood home, college dorm, sorority house, 3-bedroom apartment, 700 sq' duplex, big city first-time home buyer new construction, larger second home in the "country" on an acre with some of the best neighbors evvaaah..., small town 3400 sq' 100-year home dream project (going into it), fear of being homeless/living in parents basement, and currently...1100 sq' of 100-year old 'cozy'.
To look at that previous paragraph, it is completely humbling on many levels. My first thought is that is all so temporary...just a place...a blessed place of shelter until the next piece of the puzzle is put into place. Second thought, is that God has always provided for me. I have always had a roof over my head, it may not be the roof I have always dreamed of, but it has always simply been. And third, with many shelters in the U.S. overflowing there are people in this world that may only have one or two of those structures on their list and one of those might be the shelter or in third-world countries it might be a box...
As discussion after the second break-in to our store began and we approached the cliff on the tiptoes of bankruptcy, my husband and I were on opposite ends of what to do with our "home". After all, the house is what drew us to the small town, sealed the deal. This neglected old home with red-oak woodwork and old stone fireplace and the opportunity to restore it into all the beauty we saw it could be under the layers of green shag carpet, one-inch of dust, and foam ceiling tiles. And we did what we could, and it was beautiful. And it was our sweat, tears, smashed thumbs, curse words, and satisfaction in the final product. And....it was hard to let go.
But in the end it was just a place. A place that housed "things" that we had collected over the years. A place that housed memories, yes...but those memories transfer with us, they are not fixed. A place that had felt much of our sadness and witnessed some ugly discussions as we absorbed the tragedy of losing it all. The people within the house mattered....the memories of 16 years of marriage being packed into boxes mattered...the hope that God would use it for His good somehow...mattered.
Let me tell you something about the little "home" we are in now...it needs a lot of work...just like us. I have no doubt that God looks down on us and dreams of all the updates He would like to make on our hearts. If we would only invest in bettering ourselves one tile at a time, as we dream of doing to the kitchen backsplash. My bathroom is holding on to 1960's salmon tile and a matching sink...what am I holding onto from the past that needs to be left in the past? And the east and south side of the house still has the original windows and screens, and while full of character, they lack efficiency...sometimes I am full of personality, but am I really using that to make others around me the best they can be?
The greatest thing (and sometimes the worst) is that we are always together. Someone might be watching TV in the living area, while one is at the desk on the computer, and someone else is coloring in their new journaling Bible at the table. We are in the same 250 sq' every night and it is awesome. If someone gets up and goes to sit on the back deck with the hound dog, the other three usually aren't far behind...that my friends...is home.
Home is my son begging his dad to start the charcoal on the grill, home is that we can hear someone singing in the salmon shower in the short distance to the living room, home is everyone holding their nose because someone tooted on the couch under their blanket, home is everyone of us talking baby-talk to our basset hound when we go to the back door, home is my daughter's addiction to baking, home is coloring for six hours last Saturday in our Bibles together, home is knucks at bedtime, home is shoes that have had feet in them lying on top of folded sweaters in my small closet, home is my grandma's bowling pins in a frame behind the couch, home is a cold beer and fire pit. Anyhow...that is how I see home.
2 Corinthians 9:11 is part of the section on the 'Cheerful Giver' and Paul says: "You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce Thanksgiving to God."
My small house has enriched me. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head that happens to be new. I am thankful that it only takes me an hour tops to clean it ceiling to floor...not that that always happens, but in theory it is pretty spectacular. I do my best to be generous when I can to others going through a drought in life...I have been there, I have made it through...thanks be to God.
I have learned that it is not the shell that surrounds me while I sleep, but the beings that inhabit the innermost parts of my heart while I rest...that is home.
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