Redemption: The Pain and The Progress

When I am asked to share my testimony...this is what I share.  I feel this past month or so, that I am being called to return to that vulnerability that created my current relationship with God.  I need to be reminded of how far He has brought me:

My daily devotions one day read:  His Word declares that ALL things work together for good.  Not just the good things, but also the bad things, not just the successes, but also the failures, and even the things that you look at in your life and would call somewhat neutral – ALL things.  He promises to redeem ALL things.  As soon as we look to God more because of something, anything, then it is all worth it right there – That is where God’s redemption begins. 

Romans 8:28  And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

When I was young my grandparents took me to church every Sunday.  When I was five, my family moved to Blackwell where I “grew up”.  I was involved in youth group.  So I believed God existed, I never doubted that He was real, but what I want to share with you today is a story of finding my relationship with God and what it means to me to maintain that relationship. 

My family owned a small sporting goods store.  Looking back is awesome isn’t it – you can see everything so clearly?  20/20?  There were several red flags we chose to ignore.  To condense the absolute worst three years of my life down for you – After about 5 months the guy we bought it from sued us.  We counter-sued.  For someone who has never even had a traffic ticket, this alone, rocked my world.   Four months after that was the May 2010 hail storm that hit around 7:00 in the morning – you know the one that dropped the giant hail stones in Edmond and rained hail on Tonkawa.  Two months after that, our store was broken into and vandalized.  Our insurance agent, failed to put a theft rider on our policy and we had failed to catch it.  Six months later, record snow fall, two feet in two weeks.  I took a baseball to the windshield, our home heat/air unit decided it had worked long enough and stopped working the summer that set record heat around 110 most days, 90 most nights.  One month after that, and 7 months to the day, our store was broke into and vandalized again.  It was more than we could bounce back from.  We lost our income, our home, our pride.  We were completely devastated.  We were on food stamps – I continually ask God to Bless that man that had to deal with me that morning because I think I ugly cried uncontrollably for about 10 minutes before I ever got any words out.  From there I had to go enroll my kids and burst into tears as I asked the Principal if I could have an application for employment and an application for free lunches.  My teacher-friend grabbed me and whisked me off to her room where I cried and poured my heart out about all we were going through.  Her husband was a preacher and he called another preacher to see if they could help us get the air conditioner working.  The person that preacher called to see if we could get some help started the conversation out like this “You live in a nicer house than me, so not many people are going to want to help you and the only reason I am helping you is because a preacher asked me to”.  Yeah…  We were using the food bank, we were filing for bankruptcy.  I found myself in a place that I never thought I would be.  That I never thought I would be.  But God had bigger plans. 

I was reading a book by Beth Moore, “When Godly People, Do Ungodly Things”.  She says “I am convinced the ability to remember as if it happened yesterday is a gift, even though some days it feels like a curse.  It’s worth any bad memories if I never forget God’s goodness to me.” 

God gave me a choice.  I could wallow in self-pity, protest how unfair life was, wish that things had gone different, be defeated by people who chose to say ugly things not just about us, but to us, let envy eat at me for those that seemed to have it all going well –and I did that for a while. BUT – I eventually relinquished my control and chose to give it over to God.  My trying to maintain control was most definitely not working!  I lay on the floor crying and wanting to melt into it and screamed “Where are you – I can’t do this anymore”.  And God scooped me up and sat me in a chair – like I literally have no idea how I got in that chair.  The next thing I knew I was opening the YouVersion App on my phone and the Verse of the Day was

Ephesians 2:8-9  For by Grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God.  Not a result of works, so that no one by boast. 

I had fallen away from God, I had neglected to accept His gift.  And I have to tell you as mortifying as it was for my family to have to go through those few years.  Today, this day, I am more embarrassed to tell you that I had completely stopped communicating with God in any way, shape, or form.  I had been active in the church, the community, the schools, I was the ‘Yes Girl’.  I was a ‘people-pleaser’ but not necessarily a God pleaser.  And then God said HELLO!!  I saved you by my Grace.  Stop doing and start believing!  By Grace you have been saved by faith, it doesn’t come from you, you can’t earn this. 

Joel 2:25  God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing.  All you need is faith.  

That’s it.  Faith.  God doesn’t say, run this by your family and get back to me.  He doesn’t say research some examples of how this worked out for other people.  We don’t need an explanation from him, we don’t need a Plan B, we don’t need to run it by our best friend for approval.  And we sure don’t need to question God’s authority over the situation.  Faith.  Faith to know he totally has this covered.  God saying “hey, I got your back”.  Faith that He is all-knowing – He knows how it ends.  Rev 21:4 – He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning, or crying, or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

Now, with all that being said.  IT’S HARD!!  I am by no means standing here, telling you that having full faith is easy.  It is our human nature to want to control the situation, to have some idea of what we are getting ourselves into.  We tend to want to tell God what is best for us, instead of trusting that the other way around – His way - has an outcome that is beyond anything we could have imagined.  When Job was tested and came out saying in 42:3  You asked “Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?  It is I – and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me.  Do we not wonder about God’s motives as Job did? 

When someone asks me what it means to be a Christian, I like to say “I am a work in progress”.  I still have to work at it every day.  I still have to stop and remind myself that I need to give all things over to God in fullness of faith.  Any amount of worry that I contribute to a situation, does NOT ONE THING to change the outcome.  I don’t think that God expects perfection out of us, I think He is just as pleased with our effort.  He is pleased with every opportunity that we need Him, that we seek Him, that we thank Him – that is where redemption begins. 

Have you ever wondered what you would say to someone who you felt really, really wronged you?  For my birthday a couple of months after we had filed for bankruptcy, my brother offered to buy me a tattoo.  A permanent reminder of ‘making it through’.  It was the end of January before we finally got around to going.  We went to the tattoo parlor on a Saturday and they were packed.  There was no way we were getting in that night.  So we came back the following Thursday and there was a guy in front of us getting a tattoo that was going to take hours, so we decided to make an appointment.  We went back the following Monday– Third time is a charm – and I am in the middle of getting my tattoo and in walks one of the kids that broke into our store.  Seriously?  I have tried two other times to get this tattoo.  And a voice whispered to me ‘there is nothing you can say, nothing will make him understand what he did to your family, nothing – now is not the time’.  And then this little, what I like to call ‘Dome of Peace’ came over me.  It started at the top of my head and I could fill it work its way down over the rest of my body.  Wow, talk about a God moment – I have never felt so calm in my entire life.  As awesome as the Dome of Peace was, let me tell you, my brother has a bit of a temper and I am sitting there protected in my Dome of Peace smiling and he is like what is up with you.  And I said…if I tell you, you can’t get mad, but that is one of the boys that broke into our store and it is okay.  And the Lord kept me brother’s mouth and fists closed…that my friends, is a miracle. 

And I share, because I have had a couple of intense God moments, times when I really needed Him there with me, and without a doubt, He completely revealed himself.  I have read devotions every day since that day He lifted me up off the floor.  And what I have found is I need Him there in the good times too, because at any moment something could rock my world and I need to be ready to lean on Him and not on myself.  Not only do I need Him there in the good times, I want Him there.  I want Jesus right beside me sharing every moment of my life that allows me to thank Him for that moment of blessings.  I need Him beside me to fill me with courage and compassion.  Sharing with you is really great.  But I need God to get me through it - through the anxiety, through the fear of judgement.  I need Him in this awesome moment to work through me so that I can be a better witness for His kingdom. 

And that is the reason that God allowed everything to be taken from me – it is hard to witness when you don’t have anything to witness about.  I had to start from a clean slate.  I had to learn to appreciate food on the table, I had to learn to appreciate a roof over my head, I had to learn who to keep at arm’s length, I had to learn to appreciate that the only prayer I prayed for months was for God to keep my little family of four together – and you know what?  He did.  I had to learn that it is all from God, nothing is of me.  Not one single thing I have or do – God has had it mapped out from the beginning of time.  There is amazing freedom in “holy cow, I don’t have to, nor can I control this!”  And you know what else I learned?  It isn’t always about me!  Sometimes we just were in the right place at the right time which can feel like the wrong place at the wrong time.  Only God knows, but maybe someone else in this big giant picture of life is trying to work through their fullness of faith too.  Maybe they are lost and working their way back and I am part of that puzzle, but it may not be about me.  I know it sounds insane to say I am glad that all that crazy stuff happened to us because God in true form has used it for His good. 

·     2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Man, I am weak when He is strong.  I have learned to quietly endure times that try my patience.  I have learned that it is okay to say No.  I am no longer a people pleaser – and guess what?  The world did not end because I chose to say No to something.  I am learning to do things that God puts on my heart, things that fill my spirit.  That is the only way that I can share His love with others.  His light does not shine when I do things out of obligation, when I have a bad attitude because I said Yes in order to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings.  I have learned to go to God when I am feeling out of sorts.  When the prayers just aren’t being expressed from my heart the way I want, when the scripture just isn’t making sense.  I have learned to breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for the days that nothing happens.  I need God in the times I am in stuck in neutral.  I want Him to know that I am thankful I am not stuck in overdrive or reverse.  Thank God I am not stuck in reverse. 

We can’t go back, only forward.  Aren’t we glad that punishment for looking back isn’t like it was in the Old Testament, when the angels led Lot and his family out of Sodom and his wife looked back?  I would have been a pillar of salt a long time ago.  But, each day God gives us another chance to season our faith.  He is not asking for perfection, He is asking for effort, for forward momentum. 

Moses wandered the dessert for 40 years – No air conditioning or heat, no cars to get there quicker, no washer and dryer, no running water, no Walmart, no TV to watch while they waited, no GPS – Our waiting doesn’t sound so bad does it?  We are practicing having faith that God knows the way.  That He is the great architect, the ultimate destination planner, the ultimate travel agent, wedding planner, and life coach.  It may not always look like WE planned it to be, like we built it up in our minds.  But isn’t that the point?  It isn’t our plan, it is God’s.  We have to have faith that the life we are living is just as it should be.  God has us right where He wants us, with the people we need and the people who need us, and the circumstances are just such that they steer us toward what God has in mind for us – that may be hard times, that may be good times, it may mean neutral times.

·     Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

He holds the plans that will eventually, in His time, bring us to fullness of faith.  He longs for us to look to Him for our every need, the good, the bad, the ugly, the neutral.  You are saved by Grace, God’s gift, will you accept this gift?  Will you choose to praise God in every moment?  Will you choose to make the effort going forward?  Be still.  Listen.  Know that right now in this moment, you are exactly where you need to be – you are being redeemed. 

Amen.

Squeezing Out The Good and The Necessary

I have a Post-It note app on my phone.  It lets me jot down ideas for blogs, prayers, and reminders to grab some milk on the way home.  Sometimes I add to the note, or check off my list and remove the note, or let it sit and ponder it for weeks at a time.  Or in today's case, months...like, oh let's say...10.

So, almost a year ago, we were out of town for a baseball tournament, which if you know our family is not a big surprise or profound revelation by any means.  But on this day, we had a break and decided to head to the mall for lunch and a couple of "needs" - I say "needs" because this is seriously the only way I enter a shopping mall these days.

I was driving my husband's truck and my son was in the front passenger seat and the parking lot at the last place on earth I wanted to be was PACKED.  I am not a parking spot stalker, I will happily park at the end of the row and take a hike, but even that was slim pickings.  So we finally find an open spot, and well, I am driving the truck.

I squeeze into the open space in tandem with a verbal lecture to my son not to hit the car next to us when he opens the door.  And God love him, he is so crazy cautious that he gets stuck getting out of the truck.  Like stuck between the door and the door jam/seat/running board.  Like...can't move.  And because I know I am about to enter a building that challenges every prism of my social anxiety, I let loose with uncontrollable laughter.  He is panicked and flailing and I am relaxing a bit and about to pee my pants.

I don't even remember how, but obviously, we unstucked him and found a new parking spot.

In the game of baseball, youth through major league, you might fight find an umpire who has a strike zone the size of a coffee can.  And the batter feels stuck and frustrated and swings at pitches they wouldn't ordinarily attempt because they are just trying to make something happen.

When we quickly squeeze a lemon/lime/orange, we have no control over where that juice is going to go.  Inevitably it targets our eyeball and we are left squinting and wiping a zesty tear or two.

My First5 App this week talked about the process of crushing olives.  The olives are pressed (squeezed) in order to produce 1. Oil for annointing 2. Oil for food 3. Oil for lamps.  And this devotion was so in line with our WBS study on finding joy in the trials.  If you haven't read me say before, here it is again....love, love, love God's affirmation.

Squeezing is high pressure.  When we squeeze in time with God, we feel anxiety, panic, uncertainty.  Things feel immovable, tight fitting and we begin to focus simply on forcing something to work.  We feel like we have to take the first open spot, we have to take a pitch that isn't going to produce the results we want, we have to add flavor quickly and end up wasting all the drops that go flying in crazy directions.

Rather we need to slow down and take in the process.  Squeezing, as in the case of the olive is not all bad.  First5 says:

...hard pressing produces something good and necessary.  And I think the same is true for our pressing times as well.  Pressing times never feel good at the time but hold incredible potential...Crushing the olive isn't its end.  It's actually the way to get what's most sacred and valuable to emerge.

Just like trying to park a big truck in a small space....When I am carrying a big load, settling for small spaces with Jesus isn't going to get me to the moment that fulfills my needs.  Sometimes God never means for us to park, but instead to have patience and endurance until we find the right fit.

A batter/pitcher/catcher getting squeezed by the umpire has an awesome opportunity to work on their self-discipline, their acceptance that the current at-bat is not going to be a hitter's best plate appearance.  Again, God doesn't want us to force what isn't comfortable.  We have to acknowledge that that umpire may be having a bad day, he might not like us out of no particular reason, or he might not like us for several reasons that lie inside and/or outside the fence (you know who you are!).  God wants us to take it all in, to extend, patience, grace, and forgiveness.  It is hard for us to realize sometimes that the actions of others...are not a reflection of who we are...unless we give in to the pressure of being squeezed.

You can get twice as much juice out of a piece of fruit if you roll it before you peel it.  If you have a plan and a method that works, rather than impulsively doing the first thing that comes to mind.  Prayer, time with God, reading your Bible - getting the very most out of these gifts rather than a quick squeeze, a quick sip, a runny eyeball, and then on to the next thing.

Hebrews 12:11-12   No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it is painful!  But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.  So take a new grip with your tired hands and strenthen your weak knees. (Verse 12 is for my baseball player - mwah!)

Squeezing, discipline, pressing...never feels good at the time, is not enjoyable, while it is happening...can be painful.  But the harvest...the eventual home-run,..the flavorful beverage...the front-row parking spot - they can not be appreciated if we do not experience the alternative.

And now I will preach to myself and if you can relate - Hooray!:  Quit trying to squeeze in time with God!  Make him a priority - acknowledge that each trial is producing something "good and necessary" and if God wants that to take three pressings, then by golly, He will.  Step back from the plate and acknowledge all the times that He is good, all the times He hit one out of the park.  Be full of flavor - the salt and the light.

Life is full of door dings, bad calls, and fruit that is out-of-season.  Find joy in the pressing, squeeze every teachable moment out of it. Where ever you find yourself today, whatever open spot your trial has parked in, know that God will not live you stuck between the door and running board - He loves you...

You are good.
You are necessary.
You are valuable.
You are sacred.

Amen!

Fur Babies and Feels

WARNING:  BLUNT LANGUAGE INCLUDED (Not in a crude way, just, well you've been warned)

I would categorize myself more in the tier of over-thinkers.  I tend to over-analyze, over-plan, over-prepare, over-read-into, and over-scenario anything and everything.  Then I have situations that stand still, and I am not sure if I am more shocked at the revelation or at the fact, that I totally under-analyzed for a (possibly detrimental) moment in my pretty predictable life.

I will start from the beginning...

In November, we took our 9 1/2 Human Years, Basset Hound, Rusty to the Vet for his annual vaccinations, a toe nail trim, and a bath.  We call this "Spa Day" and I really need to keep it this way so that he looks forward to it...appreciate it.  Anywho...he has had a couple of "fatty tumors" for a few years now that we keep an eye on, are not concerned about, and had double-checked again.  Here is where the WARNING comes in:  He had a small, pinky fingernail-sized, blood blister on the side of his penis (again, not crude, just a fact) at this visit.  Which we didn't give much thought to.

Over the past couple of months, this little blister did not heal, in fact it got to be just under quarter sized.  And for the love of all dogs...he smelled.  Not your normal smell, it was cringe-worthy.  Then last Thursday night, I noticed he was really swollen "down there".  So Friday morning I decided to call the Vet...psyching myself up to say penis over the phone (because I over-analyze and in my mind think they have never heard anyone say dog penis over the phone).  He was his happy little self, all activities were normal, he was pumped to see the leash come out, and hear the word "ride" and bounded into the Vet...after sniffing half the building of course.

So here is where my under-analyzing comes in, mostly because, I am not a Vet.  I am thinking the blood blister has become infected and we will just be sent home quickly with a dose of antibiotics. Yep, you guessed it...this is where my moment stands still.  The Vet immediately grabs him "down there" and I don't think I would have panicked, if the Vet wouldn't have forcefully said "this has to come out NOW, IMMEDIATELY".  I might have over-read-into the urgencey, but to me it was Defcon 1.  I think I heard something along the lines of "quick growing", "need to send off", "surgery", "stay overnight"...definitely not, infection and antibiotics.

So as the Vet took the leash and Rusty from me, I was dizzy, nauseated, and in complete shock.  My friend from church was sitting in the waiting room with her dog.  She had heard everything and made a sad face at me as she held her arms out to embrace me in a hug...I am one of those people that has hair-trigger waterworks when hugging in sad scenarios.  Then I have to hold in the ugly cries so I can call my husband, who says "if you are calling, it can't be good".  Then I have to hold in more ugly cries to tell my co-workers.

Let me state that at one point in my life, I thought, I would never spend the same amount of money on a pet, that I would for a human.  And Monday, I realized that was not the case.  And as I began get back on track and "over-analyze"...I prayed that our family has had as much impact on Rusty's life as he has had on ours.  And I thought of how God created everything.  Every. Single. Thing.

Psalm 104:24  O Lord, what a variety of things you have made!  In wisdom you have made them all. The earth is full of your creatures.  

Our Vet office is fantastic and they called when he went under anesthesia, when he moved to recovery, and when he woke up.  And guess what they said?...We sent off the one from his "groin".  Groin people...why did I not think to say groin?  And he stayed overnight and came home yesterday...with a "cone of shame".  Bless his furry heart.  He ran straight for his rawhide bone and drank about 1/2 a gallon of water in one slurpy session.  If chicks dig scars, he is going to be a lady killer...He has a 4" incision on his side,  And about an 8" one the length of his..eh.um...groin.  We were so glad to have him home and everyone worked in shifts to sit by him so he could keep the cone off.  And my daughter didn't want to give up her shift, so I just sat on the other side of him with her at the end of the night.  And even though the cone was on overnight and still on this morning, my son sat with him until it was time to get ready for school.

You want to know what hit me right in the "feels"?
1. The Vet gave him a purple heart tag with his name on it and a certificate for "Bravery in Surgery".
2. We all cried when we saw that tag.
3. The sight of my kids holding concerned vigil at his side...not asked, not bribed, not guilted.
4. Someone was always touching him, the way he does us when he wants attention.  And his incisions are gnarly, and shaved, and sutured, and stapled.  Like so many staples, I can't believe the magnets have flown off the fridge...
5. And God called me to a love for this little creature that I had no idea of until I under-analyzed.

And just like humans, sometimes we appear "normal" on the outside, but there is some serious stuff going on on the inside.  Whether matters of emotion, or physical quick-growing stand-still moments.  I am doing my best not to over-analyze what we might hear in about a week...I want to enjoy the fact that God has given us charge over His little creature and without a doubt, we have and will continue to love him and will brag about the wicked-cool scars on his "groin".