Wilderness Walking

Mark 9:23-24 And Jesus said to him, "If you can!  All things are possible for one who believes."  Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

This story goes on to say that this curse can only be driven out by prayer.  Woo!  (said while loudly exhaling).  Some things, can only be driven out by prayer...I am going to let that marinate as I go into a little bit about why I have been away from the computer and some things that have taken place since my last post about my grandpa's hospital stay.

On June 17th I pasted (scotch-taped) a Facebook post in my journal from Heart of the Prophetic that shot an arrow straight in to my feels:

Embrace your wilderness moments.  Learn all you can.  There's surely a war ahead to obtain your Promised Land but you will strike down every enemy if you build your faith in the desert places. 

That same day a devotion read discusses that our expectations rarely align with God's timing.

In the the wilderness we can often:  See His miracles more clearly, feel His presence more intensely, worship Him more authentically, and obey Him more sincerely.  Even when we don't think He is working...He Is!

My prayer for myself at the end of journaling that morning was:  Steadfast in Prayer

Friends I feel I have been a 'Wilderness Wanderer' for most of the month of June, and therefore, for the most part, disqualified myself from trying to inspire you.  I knew it would be a busy month as I put two teenagers schedules into my calendar, but I could not foresee a few bends in the well-worn path as the month began.  Much like the wilderness, we can find a plethora of beauty, but some spiders and snakes makes us jump into patches of poison ivy when we least expect it.

My grandpa was released two weeks ago into the care of a skilled nursing center, with no improvement in memory or physical ability.  Still not eating or sleeping.  Last Thursday he was driven to the hospital with dizzy spells and continued kidney decline.  They admitted him, sent him back to skilled nursing Saturday afternoon, and that same evening we were back in the ER with extremely low blood pressure and readmitted.

When I walked into the room Monday morning, he burst into tears.  As I looked from him to grandma, completely concerned, her reply came, "he remembers".  Apparently he was allergic to the antibiotic they had been given him for almost a full month, topped with taking too much blood pressure medicine.  When all of that worked out of his system, all swelling left his body and his memory returned.

He cried and said, "this is the best day of my life".  I smiled through my tears with "well, I am not sure about that, but we will take it".  He asked, "you want to know the best part?  I got my wife back".  Although she had been there everyday, when he was "hanging out there" (his words), he thought she had gone for good.  So that is pretty great, but I am not going to lie, I was a little skeptical that we were just having a good moment.  But as the day progressed he was just so happy that he remembered.

Here is the cool part...how he remembered.  He didn't just get his mind back, God came to him and cast out the darkness.  His explanation:  We were all standing there, no one knew what was going on or what was going to happen, and then He just cast all the demons away.  His favorite song was playing, by his favorite singer during this "revival".  Although grandpa says it was waaaaay better than a revival!  As he told us, he just teared up and said, "God is so good, best day of my life".

And I love what God has done for him, and that He allowed us to pray it away.  Next to God casting out the darkness, my second favorite moment Monday was Grandpa praying over our lunch.  It was the best prayer I have ever heard in my life!  (I'm not sure about that, but we are going to take it!)  My plan from here on out is always to visit at meal time and hear as many of those that the good Lord will allow.

As thrilled as I am at the miracle healing that God is affirming for our family, I am sticking firm to my steadfast prayer for a friend whose brother has been in CCU for a little over a week now.  We are praying, interceding, and declaring that same miracle healing for him, and I am so excited for the work God is doing in His kingdom for His children.

At the beginning of June I got a summons for Jury Duty.  Each Friday I would call in and a recording would tell us that all cases had been settled or dismissed...except last week.  So I had to show up for the Jury pool this week, and then I had to go and get myself picked.  I have to say, I needed to have my faith in humanity restored.  Through deliberation and conversation, it was very interesting to be a part of.  Of course it gave me something new to pray for...

As I drove to the court house this morning, Casting Crowns song Just Be Held came on.  In it they sing, "Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong", "When you're on your knees and answers seem so far away" and, "Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place" and the tear drops fell.  I have known I am wandering, that it has a purpose, not necessarily that things were falling apart, but they were not on the beaten path, and just trying to be strong...to survive the month, the unknown trail I was traversing.

Another post on my Facebook wall, just yesterday:  When you go through the wilderness, you understand that prophetic ministry is not about theology alone, it's also about experience.  - Jennifer LeClaire

I am reviewing this month blossoming with blessings, triumphs, emotions, illness, healing, civic duties, obligations, choices, prayers...and I am pleading with God to "help my unbelief!" - allow me to pray it away, to surrender to the path in the midst of tall trees of trials and tribulations, of discernment and compassion, of hope, faith, and love beyond any earthly revival.

Relying on God to be sovereign in His alignment of people, places, and events...
Praying even when we don't understand His ways...
Surrendering to His embrace when the worry of disbelief overgrows the rocky path...
The wilderness is about the experience...
Just be held...

Riding the Loop-de-loops

We all have those things in life that we pray over, are compassionate about, that draw a deep empathy, but in terms of experiencing it, we may not be able to relate.

I had a lady from church get a little shnarky with me in a bible study quite awhile back.  She was upset because, being recently widowed, she was concerned that there was no "widow care" in our church.  I tried to gently explain to her that I was praying for her, that I had deep compassion for her loss, but to know what her needs were or to be able to offer advice on how to put one foot in front of the other, I could not relate. That didn't mean I wasn't listening or available, just that I didn't have the words to make it better.

She wasn't concerned about widows in our church until it happened to her, and now she does a wonderful job checking in on our widowed population.  That is her new ministry, her gift.  Sadly, she had to experience it in order to find her passion for it.

This past couple of weeks has been a roller coaster ride, not the fun one that leaves you laughing so hard you pee a little, but the kind that leaves you with your hand over your mouth running for the nearest trash can.

My grandpa was admitted to ICU a few weeks back, worked through a couple of hard days of pain and something akin to a diagnosis (my critical self thinks we are still missing something).  He began to break the fever, the infection abated, and then a whole new crash of the kidneys and heart set in.  The doctor on duty told us to call in the family.  The next day he was sitting up, being his ornery self.  He was on a steroid to open up his lungs and he was WIDE awake from that day forward...

This lack of rest and battle with medications for which symptom to treat has left us in a long stay in the hospital, and a new relatable for me...dementia/hospital delirium.  We are at a point, where it may or may not correct itself once he gets stronger and dismissed from the hospital.  Either way, we have all experienced his inability to be aware and it is a whole new roller-coaster-grand-opening of emotions.

My grandpa is the strongest, most faithful, loving, joy-filled person I know.  He is my hero.  In his current state, his ability to talk about fishing and God is his "happy place".

As we left the hospital yesterday, he was able to call my husband by name twice.  It is not that he doesn't know me, I am just not sure he can connect it right now, and that is how I also felt this past Wednesday.  My husband said the best thing as he agreed with me..."even though he can't connect it, somehow he knows you are important".  And that is totally in line to what my heart was perceiving as I sat next to grandpa that morning: me reaching up to hold his hand, and him squeezing the circulation out of mine.  He just kept holding on tight.

Our relationship with Jesus is very much the same.  We are searching our hearts and minds, we know we should know Him, we know He is important, we just have to hold on tight and keep our hands and feet inside the cart, and wait to see where the ride takes us.

From Familyshare.com

I think every incline and decent of our amusement park lives is meant to teach us to rely on His strength, to acknowledge we are weary, and to simply be in the current moment to the best of our ability.

Isaiah 40:31...but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 105:4  Seek the Lord and His strength; seek his presence continually!

Ephesians 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.

Psalm 46:1  God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

We are indeed weary and relying on His strength.  It is like the roller coaster stop button is broken, and we pull through the platform and just keep going up, then we drop, then we take a hard right into the next loop, oh wait, double loop!  I think I can speak for my entire family when I ask, "can we get off now?".

I had to come to terms eight days ago that I may walk out of that hospital room and never see my grandpa this side of Heaven.  And boy-oh-boy did I shed some ugly tears in the darkness of my back deck over a glass of Moscato and lots of tissues.  But what I learned is that God will give me the peace to throw my hands in the air and let go...when it is time, although He may provide a trial run here and there.  God is the Great Healer, sometimes that occurs in this life, and sometimes that occurs in eternal life, either way, when we know we know HIM, we enjoy the ride all the more.

When all else is uncertain...remember to hold tight.

Thy Will by Hillary Scott

The Hard Is What Makes It Great

Well, the past month has been a little bit of a whirl wind:

We said good-bye to my Grandma Johnson.
Celebrated Mother's Day.
My P.E.O. group raised over $3000 for Women's Continuing Education.
I preached at church, twice.
I helped a lady from church clean out her closets and bid a fond farewell to several items.
We celebrated friends and Graduates.
Ended the last year in Middle School...I now have TWO high schoolers!
We attended a couple of baseball showcase tryouts.
We celebrated our Pastor who will be leaving for a new church in one short week.
We shopped for and settled on a car for my almost 16-year old.
I visited my grandpa in ICU and had a great lunch with grandma.
I attended an Unemployment "training" and was told to "weaken" my resume.
I have been trying to write as I can and blog when I have uninterrupted time.
I sat through a "Summons for Jury Duty".
Yesterday my Uncle passed away, my Grandma Johnson's middle son.
And today, well today I am blessed to claim 20 years of marriage to my wonderful husband and father of my spawn, who happens to be celebrating a birthday today as well...

The house isn't always clean, but the dog gets fed, laundry stays caught up, and there is always coffee pods for the Keurig and a cold beer in the fridge saying "try again tomorrow".

Twenty years ago...I was twenty...let that sink in.  We started off these twenty years with sexy lingerie (me, not my husband so much), two-door cars, Tuesday nights at Chili's, lots of burnt dinners, college classes, ski trips, baby faces, slimmer waist lines, and larger dreams.  We have lived through big bangs, white socks and Nike sandals, Jorts, denim and khakis, overalls, HairBands, Grunge, and the Atlanta Braves in their prime (RIP).

Those things gave way to larger waist lines, C-section scars, gravity, late-night feedings and diaper changes, not-so burnt dinners, careers, facial hair (My husband, me not so much), stay-cations, four-door cars, mini-vans, and SUV's, and reality.  We survived colic, bouts of the flu, depression, the terrible two's and the thunderous three's (twice), a big move, Tweens, and are learning to accept reality over big dreams, though some days are harder than others.

Marriage is hard, it is hard to think about that early on when everything is new, sexy, focused, and with vast possibilities.  I am so glad that I found someone that would walk the hard with me, that would love me no matter what my hair choices were, what kind of day I was having, or what kind of choice I was making.  Because walking away from the hard is not an option...the hard is what makes it great.

Adulting is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Making tough choices is beyond hard.  But coming through all of that together, hand-in-hand, weary but wonderfully worn, content to snuggle up on the couch and table another dream for another day, not everyone chooses to do it, and I am so glad we have stuck together to experience the great.

I believe the Bible is true, but I think it has to have left out some petty arguments.  I think that Eve probably just ripped Adam a new grape leaf off the vine rather than wash the same one over and over. I wonder if Noah ever saw his wife on the deck of the arc and thought "woman, I will push you over". I think the invention of pressing olives probably came from spouses needing to smash something in frustration.  And sweet Mary, "I am not walking, have you seen the size of my kankles?"  Humaning is hard...but the hard is what lends itself to love.  The kind of love we see in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends... 

As I look back on what this year has brought into our lives already, I am thankful for the man that God placed in my life to endure (with) me.  Surviving an aging dog, job loss, grief, sassy teenagers, 50 shades of Crae, road trips, leaky faucets, balanced budgets, sports try-outs, musical cars, and spicy food - We have survived 100% of 2016 so far, from one spectrum to the other.

I know we share this day with many other great couples - Cheers to us and to all of you who work through the hard and celebrate the great!