I had a lady from church get a little shnarky with me in a bible study quite awhile back. She was upset because, being recently widowed, she was concerned that there was no "widow care" in our church. I tried to gently explain to her that I was praying for her, that I had deep compassion for her loss, but to know what her needs were or to be able to offer advice on how to put one foot in front of the other, I could not relate. That didn't mean I wasn't listening or available, just that I didn't have the words to make it better.
She wasn't concerned about widows in our church until it happened to her, and now she does a wonderful job checking in on our widowed population. That is her new ministry, her gift. Sadly, she had to experience it in order to find her passion for it.
This past couple of weeks has been a roller coaster ride, not the fun one that leaves you laughing so hard you pee a little, but the kind that leaves you with your hand over your mouth running for the nearest trash can.
My grandpa was admitted to ICU a few weeks back, worked through a couple of hard days of pain and something akin to a diagnosis (my critical self thinks we are still missing something). He began to break the fever, the infection abated, and then a whole new crash of the kidneys and heart set in. The doctor on duty told us to call in the family. The next day he was sitting up, being his ornery self. He was on a steroid to open up his lungs and he was WIDE awake from that day forward...
This lack of rest and battle with medications for which symptom to treat has left us in a long stay in the hospital, and a new relatable for me...dementia/hospital delirium. We are at a point, where it may or may not correct itself once he gets stronger and dismissed from the hospital. Either way, we have all experienced his inability to be aware and it is a whole new roller-coaster-grand-opening of emotions.
My grandpa is the strongest, most faithful, loving, joy-filled person I know. He is my hero. In his current state, his ability to talk about fishing and God is his "happy place".
As we left the hospital yesterday, he was able to call my husband by name twice. It is not that he doesn't know me, I am just not sure he can connect it right now, and that is how I also felt this past Wednesday. My husband said the best thing as he agreed with me..."even though he can't connect it, somehow he knows you are important". And that is totally in line to what my heart was perceiving as I sat next to grandpa that morning: me reaching up to hold his hand, and him squeezing the circulation out of mine. He just kept holding on tight.
Our relationship with Jesus is very much the same. We are searching our hearts and minds, we know we should know Him, we know He is important, we just have to hold on tight and keep our hands and feet inside the cart, and wait to see where the ride takes us.
From Familyshare.com
I think every incline and decent of our amusement park lives is meant to teach us to rely on His strength, to acknowledge we are weary, and to simply be in the current moment to the best of our ability.
Isaiah 40:31...but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
Psalm 105:4 Seek the Lord and His strength; seek his presence continually!
Ephesians 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
We are indeed weary and relying on His strength. It is like the roller coaster stop button is broken, and we pull through the platform and just keep going up, then we drop, then we take a hard right into the next loop, oh wait, double loop! I think I can speak for my entire family when I ask, "can we get off now?".
I had to come to terms eight days ago that I may walk out of that hospital room and never see my grandpa this side of Heaven. And boy-oh-boy did I shed some ugly tears in the darkness of my back deck over a glass of Moscato and lots of tissues. But what I learned is that God will give me the peace to throw my hands in the air and let go...when it is time, although He may provide a trial run here and there. God is the Great Healer, sometimes that occurs in this life, and sometimes that occurs in eternal life, either way, when we know we know HIM, we enjoy the ride all the more.
When all else is uncertain...remember to hold tight.
Thy Will by Hillary Scott
Thanks for being there. Love you bunches
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